Enabling a Self-Destructive Lifestyle

By: Camden Baucke MS LLP

As a mental health professional, I’m no stranger to hearing painful stories.

However, there is a unique type of story that’s important to discuss.

Imagine somebody grips a cactus and howls in pain – then they come to you to help pull out the spines and bandage the wounds.

However, they go back to the cactus, grab it again, and come back howling in pain.

You bandage them again, they grab the cactus again, and return in pain, upset that nothing is helping them feel better.

They might seek out better bandages, easier methods of pulling out barbs, and how to effectively prep their hand for grabbing a cactus, but they won’t stop going back to what hurts them.

As you probably notice, this individual is trying to change everything but the core issue, and they remain upset because nothing is taking away the pain.

In reality, the cactus could be an abusive relationship, a dead-end job, and a miserable routine – anything that forms your routine lifestyle.

Self-destructive lifestyles degrade your quality of life the longer you try to change what’s not the problem.

In this article, I’ll discuss what self-destructive lifestyles are, how they affect therapy, and steps to solving what truly is the problem.

What is a Self-Destructive Lifestyle?

A lifestyle is the combination of habits, attitudes, standards, and overall routine.

Doing something once isn’t a routine occurrence – a lifestyle is built on repetition.

What makes a lifestyle destructive?

If those habits, standards, and attitudes produce negative emotions such as anxiety or depression, then something about them is hurting you.

Why self-destructive?

Because punishing lifestyles should naturally lead us to abandoning them, unless we convince ourselves otherwise.

You would think, “pain from a cactus should not lead to gripping a cactus” – and you’re not wrong.

Pain is a feeling designed for avoidance – don’t touch a hot stove!

But our relationship with the pain of a destructive lifestyle informs us on what we should or could change if we tried.

If you’re not trying to change the lifestyle hurting you, then it makes sense you would try to build as much comfort around it.

Why Live a Self-Destructive Life?

One of the single greatest threats to your mental health is normalcy.

It’s our brain’s ability to build an entire life on a foundation of lies.

We don’t question what’s normal, even if it’s hurting us.

If you do start to question it, the mind has a sort of immune response with irritation, anger, and frustration.

It’s the mind shouting “don’t tamper with my reality“.

Childhood Homes

Your normalcy can start from anywhere, but it usually starts in childhood – that’s when everything is new then solidifies into normal.

Many parents teach their children the attitude “what you produce is more important than you are“.

Parents can model the habit of berating their partner.

Childhood homes can be full of standards that you must be “always responsible, never idle“.

When you put those together, you get a normal and destructive lifestyle.

We can unknowingly take our lifestyles from childhood and try to live them out in our adult lives.

Your childhood is gone, but your lifestyle might still resemble the pain you learned was normal.

You Can’t Sustain a Destructive Lifestyle

If you’re unwilling to question a self-destructive lifestyle, you might hit rock-bottom before you realize it’s problematic.

Even if you recognize it’s not a healthy way to live, you may not change.

You might be averse to the risk of leaving the pain you know for something you don’t know at all.

You might keep an abusive relationship to avoid the risk of having no future relationships.

You may choose to keep working your dead-end job because there’s a chance you’ll fail somewhere else.

So, you might force life itself to kick you out of the lifestyle you won’t quit.

You might not quit a sport that hurts you until you can’t play due to injuries.

You may keep trying to earn a certain college degree you hate until you fail out.

Your relationship might be abusive, but you won’t end it until they leave you for someone else.

A self-destructive lifestyle ends eventually, but not because you quit.

Therapizing Self-Destructive Lifestyles

Many residents of rock-bottom seek out therapy – not to recognize that their lifestyles led them there, but to try and magically make their self-destructive lifestyles more bearable.

Like them, you may seek out ways to make your pains less painful without addressing their root cause.

However, these individuals often abandon therapy when we question their self-destructive lifestyle.

When they realize there is no Willy Wonka’s golden ticket to being happy while living the lifestyle they know.

You won’t be happy in an abusive marriage.

You won’t be healthy if you don’t rest.

You can’t live a self-destructive lifestyle and be healthy or happy.

If you invite damage into your life, even if it feels normal, it will do what damage does.

There’s not enough meditation, journaling, coping skills, or effort that will break you out of a prison you choose to stay in.

A Value-Driven Lifestyle

If you’re tired of a normally self-destructive lifestyle, you might stay in it because you don’t know any alternatives.

Fortunately, you don’t have to flounder in the unknown – there is a way to develop a healthier lifestyle.

A lifestyle based on values.

Values are actionable principles that provide fulfillment and a sense of enjoyment, even when things get tough.

Acceptance and Commitment therapy (ACT) emphasizes value-aligned behaviors and grounded beliefs.

If you have values that drive habits (behaviors), attitudes, and standards (beliefs), then you will ultimately be happier than if you lived a self-destructive lifestyle.

How do you find your values? Click on this values list and identify the top 10 that spark “enjoyment” inside you (not “should, could” or any feeling of obligation).

Here you go: https://www.berkeleywellbeing.com/list-of-values.html

Once you find your top ten values, find a behavior that matches each value.

Make those behaviors repetitious and you have yourself a habit.

If you struggle with prioritizing those beliefs, you might be railing against beliefs that sustain a self-destructive lifestyle.

Take out a notebook, your phone, or sit down with a trusted friend, and let all those beliefs come to light.

You might recognize that they might not sound so normal anymore once they leave your brain.

Find your values, clarify your beliefs, and set yourself on the path to a value-driven lifestyle.

Final Thoughts

If a self-destructive lifestyle bends you, please save yourself from the pain of breaking before it’s too late.

Quitting before you’re broken isn’t weakness – it’s the strength to challenge even what you believe is normal.

Find your values, and take the risk of living your life around them.

It will be different, but thank goodness it is.

Find the courage to establish your own new normal.