By: Camden Baucke MS LLP
Being a people-pleaser isn’t easy. It’s a constant uphill battle to avoid any battle at all. People-pleasing is driven by a strong desire to keep the peace. To do so, one must avoid confrontation at all costs. However, this can be self-sabotaging because there are plenty of moments where conflict is absolutely necessary. If you abstain from arguments, your unexpressed emotion can develop into frustration, exhaustion, and resentment. Your mental health, and physical health, might start to deteriorate.
People-pleasing can be so extreme as to watch your health waste away for the simple goal of not “breaking the peace.” Negotiation is key to sustaining your life, and it requires you to choose conflict over passivity. Not all conflict is bad, and much of the necessary conflict in life can have great results. It could improve self-esteem and even improve your relationships! Learning to negotiate as a people-pleaser, whether at home or at work, is a critical skill for self-perseveration, which is the foundation of good health. However, to engage in successful negotiation, you must understand the roots of people pleasing.
The People-Pleaser’s Fear of Conflict
People-pleasing is not an identity, it is a pattern of behaviors. It is also not kindness, as kindness can be shown without sacrifice to one’s health. People-pleasing is the self-destructive sacrifice of your own needs to avoid conflict entirely. It’s the suppression of your wants, desires, feelings, preferences, or needs. Disagreement, negative feedback, or accountability can be debilitating tasks that are necessary for effective social functioning. If you avoid these difficult tasks, it only enhances the consequences. Constantly conceding to others can lead to a host of issues.
People-pleasing can cause burnout and social isolation. Conflict is inherent in relationships, and you often have more the deeper the connection is. If you know conflict will be there, then you won’t be. Many relationships fizzle out because people- pleasing tendencies reduce the chance of conflict. In those relationships, people- pleasing can also lead to decision dependency. If someone wants to go eat, you will go with whatever they want. However, over time this means all decisions are dependent on them. Due to avoidance of conflict, you have not asserted yourself and thus your friend is responsible for your decisions. By not wanting to be responsible for breaking the peace, now your friend is. People-pleasing can also impact work, where you take on too much responsibility because you can’t say no. Burnout is often a case of people-pleasing, but it offers an opportunity to exercise the single most necessary skill for people-pleasers: Negotiation.
What is Negotiation?
Negotiation isn’t just a business term. It’s a word that means a discussion focused on finding an agreement. However, negotiation feels like a dangerous dance because it is technically a conflict. You have two separate sides to the conversation, and you may want something different. Now, it’s up for you to talk with this person to discover a common and acceptable agreement. Now people-pleasers might fear negotiation because of that conflict and associate it with intense debate, high stakes, and flaring emotions. However, negotiation does not have to be belligerent. If done well, it can be positive for all parties involved. Even practicing so with a loved one can help improve trust, communication, and transparency. Instead of people-pleasing leading to isolation, resentment, or dependency, you can negotiate which leads to connection, contentment, and cooperation.
For example, imagine you and your partner are deciding how to spend your Saturday afternoon. You worked super hard this week and really just want a relaxed morning with coffee and a show. However, your partner wants to go out and get all the grocery shopping and chores out of the way for the weekend. People-pleasing would have you wholly accept your partner’s wants and go with them on their grocery run. This would lead to feelings of resentment and lack of control. However, you don’t want the opposite either where you simply tell your partner “no” and shut them down.
You can negotiate with your partner so you both get what you want. You could ask them if they could wait 2 hours before you go out to give you some time to relax. You could still want to go, but not right then. If your partner agrees, then you have negotiated and came to a fulfilling conclusion for both of you, not just one or the other. This lack of black or white outcomes is what negotiation does, but it is also what people-pleasing is centered around.
Meeting in the Middle
People-pleasers often have a history of terrible conflict. Where there was either a winner or a loser, someone in control and someone without it. Negative conflict can feel like this, but negotiation is not so black and white. In fact, it is finding the gray point between your wants and someone else’s. You don’t have to give in completely to someone’s demands, but you also don’t have to face rejection or spite. Negotiation is not about being on opposite sides, it’s about working towards a common goal on the same team.
If you are negotiating with a loved one, you are working with your teammate to find a common ground. If you are negotiating with a colleague, then you are finding a reasonable middle ground on which to work together. It’s true that with negotiation, neither party will walk away with 100% of what they want. People-pleasers, to prevent taking anything away from someone else, would often find comfort in leaving with 0% of what they want if it avoids conflict. However, what if the other person willingly gave up 20% of what they want to give you 80% of what you want? Then you are both at 80%, not getting everything entirely, but also getting the grand majority of what you wanted.
Negotiation is a wonderful tool in intimate relationships because it provides an avenue for balance and communication. It is your chance to protect your own wants and needs while considering the other person’s. Instead of a 0 to 100, black or white outcome, you now have a win-win scenario. This means you can continue to love yourself as much as you love others.
Your Worth Informs Your Negotiation
You can tell how much someone values themselves by how they protect their interests. Self-esteem is derived from the Latin word aestimare, which means “to determine the value of.” If you have low self-esteem, you won’t protect your interests or risk breaking the peace. If you have too high of self-esteem, then you are venturing into narcissism. However, in the middle exists a balance where negotiation is protection of your interests because you are valuable.
For example, let’s imagine you purchase a 5 dollar pair of sunglasses. You don’t have to treat these sunglasses well, they’re not worth that much. You can sit on them, snap them, and toss them away when they look bad. You can always get another one, they’re not worth that much. However, if you buy a 500 dollar pair of sunglasses, you treat them much better. you buy them a protective case, you handle them gently, and clean them regularly. You can tell if a person has a 5 dollar or 500 dollar pair of sunglasses simply by the extra steps they take to maintain and protect them. Negotiation is protection of your interests and maintenance of your needs, but it all comes from self-esteem. Whether or not it’s believable yet, you are valuable, and you deserve to have a voice.
Your worth informs your actions, but you get to control how they materialize. Negotiation does not need to be aggressive, but it can definitely be assertive and polite. Advocating for your needs doesn’t make you selfish, much less a narcissist. It is the walls that are necessary for protecting yourself while you still interact with others. People-pleasers get used to sacrificing 100%, demanding 0% and treating themselves like they’re worth 5 dollars. You don’t have to anymore.
Conclusion: Don’t Tough it Out
People-pleasers might feel tempted to “tough it out.” In fact, I bet they are very tough, and that they can be pretty resilient in difficult situations. However, even though you can tough it through, I ask you to intentionally not to. The boat is often worth rocking and the peace is worth breaking, if not shattering. You can’t sustain a life with minimal needs met and nonexistent wants because they’re always taking second place to others. Negotiation allows you to stand up for yourself in a constructive and respectful way. It’s a vital skill that helps maintain balance in your relationships, yet makes sure you are still treated as a whole person with wants, needs, and dreams.
So, please remember that you are given new chances every day to practice negotiating. The next time you feel the urge to withdraw your wants, take a deep breath, and start a conversation. Start small, but baby step your way up to bigger and harder topics. Like business, negotiation doesn’t end relationships, it creates and sustains partnerships.
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