By: Camden Baucke MS LLP
People-pleasing is a constant uphill battle to keep the peace.
It’s an avoidant behavior to dodge confrontation, and it comes with a cost.
Breaking the peace is an essential skill – one that facilitates healthy conflict.
Healthy conflict fosters transparency, advocacy, and trust with your friends or loved ones.
If you avoid conflict, you eliminate chances for healthy conflict – decreasing your transparency with others.
Conflict is inevitable and that’s a good thing.
I’m not suggesting you should go looking for a fight, but start with simple negotiation.
Negotiation boosts your self-esteem while improving your relationships.
In this article, I will teach you how to negotiate as a people-pleaser – at work, at home, or anywhere you need to preserve your health and interests.
The People-Pleaser’s Fear of Conflict
People-pleasing is the self-destructive sacrifice of your own needs to avoid conflict entirely.
It’s the suppression of your wants, desires, feelings, preferences, or needs.
It can cause burnout and social isolation.
Many relationships fizzle out because people-pleasing can lead to avoiding anyone who could cause conflict.
On the other end, it can also lead to dependency – latching onto someone’s every whim as to never disagree.
Dependency often weighs the other person down with constant decisions, usually leading to conflict anyways.
Conflict is inevitable at work, in your relationships, and everywhere you go.
What is Negotiation?
Negotiation isn’t just a business term; It’s a discussion focused on finding an agreement.
Negotiation may feel dangerous because it is technically a conflict – two or more people wanting different things.
It’s your job to negotiate for what you want and find an acceptable agreement with the other person.
Does negotiation always include high stakes and flaring emotions?
No, because negotiation isn’t inherently belligerent – in fact, most negotiation is collaborative.
If done respectfully, negotiation can lead to positive outcomes for everyone involved.
If you can manage to meet your needs as well as someone else’s, everyone’s usually happy – even if it took a healthy conflict to get there.
Example of Negotiation
Imagine you and your partner are determining how to spend your weekend.
Work was grueling this week and you look forward to relaxing mornings this weekend – brewing coffee at home, laying on the couch, and watching a TV show.
On the other hand, your partner wants to get a quick start for the weekend – waking up early and knocking out your grocery run, laundry, and other errands.
Essentially, you and your partner have two very different visions of how you want your weekend mornings to look.
People-pleasing would lead you to say, “sure, I’ll go with you in the morning” with no mention of what you want.
Unfortunately, this follows a trend of sacrificing your unsaid wants to not upset your partner, so this weekend adds onto a building sense of resentment.
It may feel like the only option, because you simply don’t want to shut down your partner with a “no“.
Fortunately, there is an alternative to having the weekend be entirely up to you or entirely up to your partner – you can negotiate!
You can ask your partner if you could wait at least two hours after waking before you start chores – enough time to drink your coffee and relax.
Alternatively, you might ask your partner if you could spend Saturday morning relaxing and do your chores on Sunday morning.
Either way, you need to voice your wants so they can earn a place in your schedule, but you can also consider your partner’s wants so you can facilitate their desires as well.
If your partner agrees to one or the other, both of you end up having the weekend you wanted.
Negotiation cuts out black-and-white thinking and allows you to make balanced solutions.
Meeting in the Middle
Anyone with people-pleasing tendencies usually has a history that caused a fear of conflict.
They might have directly experienced or vicariously witnessed unhealthy confrontations.
There was probably a winner and a loser – someone in control and someone without it.
It’s easy to fear conflict if you have seen it tear relationships in two – when a team splits and acts like opponents trying to dominate each other.
Luckily, true negotiation and healthy conflict are not black and white, you versus me, or winner and loser.
Negotiation is not about being on opposite sides; it’s about working towards a common goal on the same team.
Best Outcomes for Everyone
If you negotiate with a loved one, you are working with your teammate to find a common ground.
If you negotiate with a colleague, then you are finding a reasonable middle ground on which to work together.
It’s true that negotiation often means someone doesn’t get 100% of what they want.
This is inherently true for anyone who is in a relationship – you may sacrifice your needs and wants for the benefit of the team.
Sacrifice is not a specific role on a team, it is the cost of being on a team at all.
However, people-pleasers may fear being burdensome or taking away from someone else – finding safety in sacrificing 100% of what they want to ensure others get 100%.
However, what if the math doesn’t work like that? What if everyone gives up 10% so that everyone also gets 90%?
Being a part of a team, at work or at home, requires sacrifice – but you can still get the majority of what you want if you speak up and advocate for yourself.
Instead of a 0 to 100, black or white outcome, you now have a win-win scenario.
This means you can continue to love yourself as much as you love others.
Don’t Tough Out 0%
People-pleasers may feel tempted to “tough out” the 0% they’re left with after sacrificing 100% of their wants and needs.
Resilience is important, but it is not the same as voluntary self-neglect.
Sure, you can get through situations, but you can adjust too well to treating yourself poorly.
Even though you can tough through 0%, I’m asking you to stop.
The boat is worth rocking and the peace is worth breaking to have a decent quality of life.
You can’t sustain a life with nonexistent needs and wants due to threats that may no longer apply to your current circumstances.
Negotiation allows you to stand up for yourself in a constructive and respectful way.
It’s a vital skill that helps maintain balance in your relationships, yet makes sure you are still treated as a whole person.
Every day presents new opportunities to practice negotiation.
The next time you feel the urge to withdraw your wants, take a deep breath, and start a conversation.
Start small, but baby step your way up to bigger and harder topics.
Like business, negotiation doesn’t end relationships, it creates and sustains partnerships.
Reflections 
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