By: Camden Baucke MS LLP
Gaslighting has become a part of the everyday vocabulary, but it is much more than just a term. It describes a manipulative tactic with devastating consequences. Gaslighting can be both intentional and unintentional, but it always has a specific purpose: to manipulate, control, and avoid. To stop gaslighting or develop a resilience to it, it’s best to understand its history, purpose, and impact. Gaslighting might be a common term, but very few people know the movie it came from.
The History of the Term “Gaslighting”
In 1944, the movie Gaslight was played in cinemas around the world. It portrayed a husband who attempted to convince his wife that she was losing her sanity. He subtly manipulated parts of the home and denied that anything had changed. The husband would dim the gaslights, which his wife noticed but he would convince her that the gas lanterns had not changed. As this occurred, she began to doubt her own perception and sanity. Over time, this term has come to describe this specific type of psychological manipulation. While it started in the movie theatre, gaslighting has provided a way to describe interpersonal aggression where someone tricks another person into questioning their reality, memory, and perception.
The Purpose of Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a conversational tactic used in conflict, where the goal is to “win” an argument or control the narrative. This manipulation can take many forms, including twisting words or outright denying facts. Gaslighting does not resemble honesty or resolution, but an aggressive defense to protect one’s insecurities or power. A Gaslighter feels threatened by accountability because it affects their control of their own self-image.
Gaslighting is for the purpose of maintaining control. If someone provides feedback that highlights an insecurity, then the gaslighter will shut it down. To remain protected, gaslighting attack’s the basic competency of the person providing feedback. If you can make your “accuser” doubt themselves, then there is no argument. This underhanded tactic subtly undermines someone’s confidence in their awareness to retain dominance and avoid accountability.
The Psychological Impact of Gaslighting
The psychological impact of gaslighting can be profound, both short term and long term. In the short term, gaslighting prevents any successful conflict. Differences remain unresolved, feelings continue to sting, relationships weaken, and people leave more hurt than when they started. Gaslighting might have maintained control, but it has multiplied the pain suffered by others. People who are rejected and shut down don’t want to be around someone who gaslights others. In fact, they may begin to question their reality in every relationship.
Over the long term, gaslighting can leave you feeling like the wife from the film Gaslight. It leads to severe self-doubt and distrust in one’s awareness. It erodes self-esteem, giving the victim no option but to trust the perception of the gaslighter rather than their own. This can result in trusting almost anyone else’s perspective rather than your own. Trust in the gaslighter is destroyed, but distrust of yourself is even greater. A lack of confidence in your awareness often leads to anxiety. If you were blindfolded, would you trust yourself to cross a busy street? Trusting your eyes is key to feeling safe, and so is trusting your awareness.
If You Are the Victim of Gaslighting
If you find yourself the victim of gaslighting, it is crucial to start building trust in yourself again. Gaslighting undermines your confidence in the basic senses that let you know you’re alive. Understand that rejection often has nothing to do with you and everything to do with someone else’s insecurities. You are not worth being punished for someone else’s anxious thoughts. You are worth trusting and being treated with respect, especially from yourself.
Self-care is vital in recovering from gaslighting. Start with reflection and determine if you feel safe enough to continue the relationship or if boundaries are needed. Then, protect your mental health by engaging in a grounding exercise. This means focusing on each bodily sense and identifying what you see, smell, hear, and feel. Gaslighting forces you to doubt your senses, so take time to trust in them. Also, take time to evaluate what a gaslighter made you think about yourself. Reestablishing a healthy self-image is key to recovering from interpersonal aggression. Also, you don’t have to do this alone. Building a support network and seeking therapy can help you process your pain and regain your confidence.
If You Are the One Gaslighting
If you realize that you are the person gaslighting others, recognizing it is the first step. It’s time to address your insecurities and what behaviors they create. You must become comfortable with yourself if others are to be comfortable around you. This means accepting feedback and taking accountability. It means taking a risk and being vulnerable with those you care about. If you defend yourself at all costs, it will cost you meaningful relationships. Start by learning to be stood up to. You can ask for feedback as long as you don’t punish anyone for sharing their thoughts and feelings.
Anger and manipulation are your biggest threat to others. Learn to manage your anger and accept the literal meaning of what others are saying. If you feel angry due increasing anxiety and insecurity, breathe and self-soothe. If you are tempted to translate what someone says, restrain yourself from reacting. Contemplate what the best course of action would be for the relationship. Clarify what is being said and what is not being said by the other person. Understand that if someone is setting boundaries in your life, that means they still want to be in your life. You’re likely hurt by something from your past, however the current people around you are innocent. You are not at fault for what happened to you, but you are responsible for what happens through you. True connection can only be achieved when you are willing to take accountability for how you affect the well-being of others.
Conclusion
Gaslighting has become a significant issue within modern relationships. While it started with dimming gas lanterns on the silver screen, it has moved its way into the living room. The purpose of gaslighting is to control and manipulate others to protect deeply-rooted insecurities. It has short term and long term effects that can devastate someone’s quality of life. Whether you are the victim or the perpetrator of gaslighting, it must be addressed. Only by overcoming gaslighting can we have meaningful relationships built on trust, vulnerability, and respect.
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