The Cost of People-Pleasing: Why It’s Time to Stop

By: Camden Baucke MS LLP

The term “people-pleaser” is frequently thrown around to describe social passivity. In other words, someone who just can’t seem to say “no.” It may sound like a funny quirk or even a positive trait, but I can promise you that it’s not. The reality is that people-pleasing is not the same as kindness, and it can be deeply damaging. If you can never say “no” then you can never protect your mental, physical, or emotional health. An inability to assert your own needs leads to relationship burnout and erosion of identity and health. People-pleasing is different than just being nice, it’s anxiety-fueled submission.

What is People-Pleasing?

People-pleasing is a pattern of passive social interactions. A set of behaviors that goes beyond wanting to help others and into appeasement. Pleasing others becomes more of a priority than your own needs, wants, and health. This means consistently agreeing to things that you either don’t want to do or that are not good for you.

To avoid conflict at all costs, you will sacrifice your well-being to sustain the positive emotions of someone else.

As a result of this behavior, relationships begin to focus on maintaining peace at the cost of authentic connection. Such an imbalance leads to feelings of resentment, frustration, exhaustion, and potential isolation from others. However, considering someone else’s emotions is different structuring your life around their emotions.

How to Be Considerate

Acting considerately is different from people-pleasing. While people-pleasing comes at the cost of self-preservation, consideration is empathy without a cost to your own health. Consideration involves respect and thoughtfulness, yet while maintaining your self-respect and boundaries.

In other words, you don’t have to sacrifice your needs to be kind to others

When you are considerate, you make decisions that are fair and balanced, rather than purely self-sacrificing. Where people-pleasing comes from insecurity and fear of rejection, consideration comes from self-care and confidence.

The Deeper Issue

At its core, people-pleasing is driven by fear. A fear of making others upset and the consequences of breaking the peace. It is a sacrifice of your needs, not for the promotion of other’s well-being, but the prevention of their negative emotions.

However, this peace is rarely worth the damage it does to your health.

It often backfires by leading to unsettled conflict, resentment, and disconnection. It takes courage to risk conflict, but making others feel bad is not always a bad thing.

The truth is, sometimes other people need to feel upset.

If someone hurts you, holding them accountable will make them feel bad, however it must be done to respect yourself. Boundaries, discomfort, and disagreement are natural parts of healthy relationships. Conflict is necessary to protect your health, especially if others attempt to harm you verbally or physically. Unfortunately, you may have to be the harbinger of lessons other people need to learn. If you avoid conflict, you may deny yourself and others opportunities to grow, show respect, and establish deeper connections. While you would want your friends to stand up to you, you must learn how to trust your friends to stand up to them.

How to Start Small

Breaking people-pleasing habits doesn’t happen overnight, but it’s important to start with small steps. Start by finding people you trust, such as friends, family, or colleagues and begin asserting your needs. For example, if someone asks you what you’d like to do, take a moment and say what you want. If they ask you what you’d like to eat, say what you’re hungry for. If they suggest somewhere you don’t want to go, tell them how you feel.

Assertive action is not aggressive or narcissistic, but something that loved ones can respect. Start with low-stake situations where you feel safe and supported. As you grow more confident, you can gradually extend this assertiveness to more difficult situations and relationships.

Conclusion

People-pleasing is a costly form of appeasement. Being considerate and assertive are a vital part of maintaining healthy relationships and a healthy self. People who respect you will also respect your boundaries. Caring for someone means allowing them to feel upset with you. Disagreement is important in every healthy relationship as long as the conflict is handled respectfully.

The cost of people-pleasing is too high.

It deteriorates your self-esteem, strains relationships, and damages your mental health. You do not need to be rude, offensive, or selfish to advocate for yourself. By learning to prioritize your needs while being considerate of others, you can find a healthy balance and stronger connections. It’s okay to put yourself first sometimes, doing so does not make you a bad person, it makes you human.

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