4 Tips for Addressing Anxiety & Anger in Conversations

By: Camden Baucke MS LLP

Anxiety and anger go together like peanut butter and jelly. Both are heightened states of arousal, and they can be awfully difficult to navigate in close relationships. If left unchecked, these emotions can result in saying something harsh or damaging. As a result, you will have neither made your point nor shown that you are trustworthy in an argument. If you slip into this spiral it can easily impact your connection and closeness with friends and family. However, there is still time to do something about it. Anxiety and anger can be managed so that when a conflict arises, you feel comfortable navigating your emotions and the content of the conversation. Here are some basic tips to assist you in reaching that goal.

#1 Recognize Your Emotions

Anxiety and anger are a part of the human experience, but they are destructive when above manageable levels. So the next time you feel angry or anxious in a social situation, and it sits at about a 2/10 (with 10 being the most anxious or angry), it is not anything abnormal. However, if you are in a debate with someone and you feel it skyrocketing to a 6 or 7/10, then it might be a good idea to recognize and label your emotions. This means putting a word to the feeling. There is a useful tool to do this called the feelings wheel:

With a feelings wheel, you can more accurately define the emotion you are experiencing. The more accurate you get, the more you will be able to recognize where and what it’s from.

For example, if you are feeling anxious in an argument with your sibling, you can define it further with “worried” or “overwhelmed.” While it may not seem like a big difference, the nature of these descriptors are actually quite different. Additionally, this is useful for anger, as it can be further defined as several different descriptors such as “distant,” “humiliated,” or “critical.” Each of these terms have a different context, thus it is pivotal to use this when recognizing your emotions and their origin.

#2 Connect Emotions with Actions

Anger and anxiety show up for a reason. The specific emotion you picked out from the feelings wheel is connected with something that happened in reality. You could be angry or anxious due to your current situation or one that already happened. Self-reflection, if only for 10 minutes, can provide you with some answers. When you feel angry or anxious in a conversation, it’s important to take inventory of the specifics:

1. Who?
2. What?
3. When?
4. Where?
5. Why?

For example:

1. Who: Davis
2. What: Raised his voice at me
3. When: Just now
4. Where: In our living room
5. Why: Because he is frustrated with his phone

These details matter when understanding why you feel exactly the way you do. Now that you have specific labels for your emotions and what actions they connect to, now it is time to manage them.

#3 Self-Soothe

Now that you have exactly what you feel and why you feel it, it’s best to start self-soothing. This is a crucial skill, not only in heated discussions, but in most close relationships. Self-soothing means finding an independent method of calming yourself down. The Gottman method, created by the two leading psychologists in couples and relationship psychology, includes self-soothing as a crucial point in managing your emotions to sustain your relationships. There are several ways to self-soothe before, during, and after an argument:

Before the Conversation

If you know you’re getting into a rough discussion, it’s best to prepare for it. If you want to prepare what you’re saying, try writing it out first on paper or on your phone. Taking the time to find exactly what you want to say is conducive to having the conversation you want to have. Also, if you want your body to be prepared, then take some time to do deep breathing and mindful meditation. This could be just 5 minutes, but it’s important to calm your mind and body before the storm.

During the Conversation

If you notice your blood boiling or your mind racing, it’s probably best to do something about it. Per the Gottman method, you may need time to step away from the situation until cooler heads prevail. This does not mean just stepping away to ruminate on the conversation, but engage in something calming and distracting from the topic. Return to the conversation when you feel your blood pressure drop and your rational thoughts coming back to the front of your mind.

After the Conversation

That conversation was either aggravating or terrifying. Now that it’s over, you have emotions to recognize, connect with action, and cope with. Take 15-20 minutes to reflect on the situation to understand and accept what happened. If you find yourself ruminating and/or in fight, flight, or freeze, then it’s time to self-soothe. This means trust of your perception of the conversation. When you’ve done your best to manage your anxiety and anger, both in the argument and after, it can allow you to share your feelings if you so choose.

#4 Express Your Emotions

Now that you can define your emotions and manage them you can share them with others. If you’re socially anxious, you might be reluctant to share due to a fear of judgment. Also, if you struggle with people pleasing then you might be disinclined to tell someone that you’re upset with them. However, as a therapist, I can tell you that you have control over how you share your emotions. It’s important to frame your emotions through “I” statements.

Example: “I feel angry and hurt because you called me stupid which is mean and disrespectful“

Feeling anxious or angry are not transgressions. They only become disruptive when we ignore them and they begin to transform our actions. Anger and anxiety need to be addressed head on, first by recognizing what words best describe them. Then, give them some context by connecting them to actions. Cope with these emotions through self-soothing, and then find the courage to tell others how you feel.

Remember, to manage anxiety and anger in your conversations you can:

#1 Recognize Your Emotions

#2 Connect Emotions with Actions

#3 Self-Soothe

#4: Express Your Emotions

Want to Learn More?

If you’d like to learn more about mental health or start your own therapy journey, please visit our website at greatlakesmentalhealth.com today.