This Land is My Land: A Metaphor For Boundaries

By Camden Baucke LLP

Many people talk about boundaries, but what are they? They are the stipulations in a contract with the people in your life. Boundaries can increase personal autonomy while providing structure in a relationship. For example, if someone does not like their face being touched, then they can set up a boundary with others to ensure that no one touches their face. That is a ground rule clearly stating that any face-touching behavior is not allowed. However, for a boundary to be set, someone must be confronted.

Boundaries are always set in opposition to certain behaviors, which are done by others. Consequently, boundary setting will always be against someone or something. While it sounds intimidating, I want to assure you that we do this all the time and just don’t recognize it. If you have a partner living in the same home as you, you have an underlying contract that you won’t stab each other in the middle of the night. This seems obvious, but it’s a stipulation in the contract you have with others to feel safe. Safety within relationships is important, and boundaries serve as the foundation. Even though boundaries are necessary for safety, setting them often leads to conflict. To help you navigate this process, I’m going to provide you a metaphor for the basics of boundaries.

Become Your Own Country

I want you to see yourself as a country. You are made up of generations of lineage from deep and beautiful cultures. You have a history of conflicts, love, and achievements. You need to sustain yourself, and you come with a certain set of resources to draw from. You and I are much like a country. Our own unique experience is ingrained in us among a world of others. A world of other countries with their own culture, history, and perspective. What this metaphor does is allow you to see all the contents of who you are and identify your specific needs and preferences. Understanding yourself, like understanding a country, allows you to gather all the necessary information to set effective boundaries, or in this case, marking your map.

Mark Your Maps & Sign Treaties

No country exists in isolation. There are neighboring countries and continents, full to the brim with different values and life experiences. However, if you want to interact with others, you must sign some treaties. This means obeying a set of rules that apply to you and enforcing a set of rules that apply to them. In these treaties you establish the borders on your map. This means identifying the limits that are not to be crossed without discussion or allowance. However, the power again lies within the country being transgressed. If someone wants to violate a boundary, and you reject their passport, they’re not getting in, period. This process can be described as preliminary boundary setting, either before or during the start of a relationship. It may feel awkward, but it can be a strategy that saves you plenty of hassle in the future.

Negotiations

Distinguishing yourself as a person, then establishing your borders with others, leads to setting boundaries during a relationship. This stage is like negotiations between nations. With interpersonal relationships or global politics, different people with different ways of life often find themselves in conflict. Boundaries can provide you with assertive, yet non-aggressive, methods of resolving conflict. New boundaries sometimes need to be made, and both countries must come sit at the same table and establish them. However, if only one country’s stipulations are being breached, the entire contract is now broken. When your boundary continues to be crossed even after negotiations, you must now consider your response.

Scale Your Conflict

You are the one to determine if an action done against you deserves remediation or if it merits cutting ties with another country. If you are conflict-averse, Engaging in conflict with someone may feel awful or go against your values. However, conflict is often called for. If a nation were to hurt the people of your country, you would protect your citizens. In this same way, you are learning to protect yourself, and even learn that you are worth protecting. You are the author of your own experience, so many of these decisions must be true to the information that only you can access. If someone touching your face deserves a stern talk, then that talk must be had. However, because arguments are often intimidating, here is a wonderful first step to initiating conflict to establish a boundary:

“That was rude”

It may be a simple sentence, but it is an accessible phrase that allows you to set a simple boundary. Become comfortable with scaling your conflict by finding the words that most accurately describe the effect of someone’s transgressions. If their behavior was rude, describe it as such. While you consider your response to broken boundaries, it’s important to evaluate the other individual as well. You can learn a great deal about others when you set boundaries. Those who are willing to listen will likely receive boundaries with respect and feel the safer for it.

Security for You and Others

Predictability offers security, and consistent security provides safety. If you set boundaries before and during relationships consistently, then you will undoubtedly feel safer. If you protect your citizens, and foster a positive environment for them, they will thrive. Additionally, if other countries are given boundaries to collaborate with, they will know what to expect. They can expect a consistent response regarding a boundary, which offers predictability, and thus security in what your answer will be. Boundaries offer certainty for both you and who you set them with. Do they come through conflict? Sometimes yes, but it’s imperative that you muster your courage to set them still. Your country needs you as much as your health needs your protection.

All Together Now

• You are a unique person with a deep history and culture of your own. You are a country with traditions and stories that span thousands of years.
• Setting ground rules for relationships is proactive for future interactions with others. Establishing treaties and marking your maps allows you to navigate discussions with your neighboring countries and allies.
• You deserve to confront others that breach your trust and/or make you feel unsafe. Your country can negotiate treatment from other countries, regardless of intention.
• You can assertively set boundaries with others starting with small rebuttals to whatever extent is appropriate for the situation. You can protect your country in a way that best addresses the issue while considering your citizens.
• These boundaries with others can create a predictable and safe environment for you to live your life. They can also allow you to sustain the health of your people while sustaining relationships with countries from around the world. 

You are worth the consideration that you would easily show others. This includes protection, which is not always pretty, but also not violent. Your safety is important, and acting on it is the greatest form of self-advocacy.

If you would like to start your own therapy journey today, please visit greatlakesmentalhealth.com for more information. It’s time to feel better! 

Thanks for Reading!