The Art of Apologies

By: Camden Baucke LLP

Apologies are important. They are key to sustaining relationships because we are inherently flawed, and flawed people mess stuff up sometimes. This means hurting someone’s feelings, either intentionally or accidentally. If you want a relationship to continue past these instances, an apology is necessary. It is the marker of someone who cares about their impact on other people. Making a mistake and effectively apologizing for it can build more trust than never making a mistake at all. It all begins with understanding what an apology is. 

What is an Apology?

An apology is what we sometimes call a “repair attempt.” It is someone, who caused a hurtful event, taking an account of what they did to the person they did it to. Taking personal accountability is a crucial aspect to an apology. Understanding context also plays an important role, as it is the process of identifying all the situational factors involved. For example, if you apologize for yelling at someone, it may be understandable given the strenuous day you experienced. However, you are still accountable for managing your emotions, thus you still need to take accountability and apologize for yelling. Accountability and Understanding can occur simultaneously, and a repair attempt is much more effective when considering both before approaching that person.

Pre-Apology Preparation

Before you meet with someone to apologize and hold yourself accountable, it’s important to “gather your materials” first. This means taking a mental note of all transgressions and their potential impact on the other person. It’s nearly impossible to apologize if you don’t know the full extent of what happened. Knowing the situation from each angle is what will help you empathize as well as what to say when apologizing. Once you’ve gathered all the content necessary for your apology, you’ll need to choose how to approach this person. 

In communication, we often ask speakers to consider their “audience” when framing their message. Framing is the timing, content, and tone that we use when we speak about the event to the person we hurt. First and foremost, you want to frame your conversation so that it’s clear that you are the one who was hurtful, and they are the ones who are hurt. This means putting the power of the conversation in their hands. You want it to be on their timetable and to allow them to speak whenever they want. An effective apology needs to be continuously focused on the hurt. Framing sets you up to convey your apology, which then depends on the specific words you use. 

Phrasing is Everything

Almost everyone has experienced a poor apology. They are often instances of denial, manipulation, or flurries of combative “sorry’s.” The first rule of apology phrasing is ASKING for an apology, not just DROPPING a sorry. Many other languages have specific differences between the phrases related to polite apologies and intimate transactional ones. “Sorry” is for the sidewalks when squeezing past strangers or accidentally bumping shoulders. An apology is something to be ASKED for, not dropped at the feet of the hurt. Here are some steps to help you craft a thoughtful and effective apology.

6 Steps to an Effective Apology

1. Express your desire to apologize. When you’ve found the appropriate time to apologize, you begin with your intentions. If the hurt person does not want to listen, they don’t have to, as they are one who was hurt. 

Example: “Hey there, if you’re available right now I’d like to apologize for earlier”

2. Take full accountability. This means laying out SPECIFICALLY what was said or done that was hurtful. This does not include minimizing the potency of what you did, but accurately describing its severity. Many people falter here by phrasing their actions as less severe than they were. This is an act of invalidation and should be avoided. Even if you are ashamed or insecure about your action, the other person still stands hurt by your decision. 

Example: “I raised my voice at you and called you a jerk several times”

3. Express empathy by stating ways it probably made that person feel. This shows you have considered the mental and emotional impact of your choice, but also that their thoughts and emotions are important. When you express any consideration for how they must feel, it highlights why you are choosing to apologize. 

Example: “calling you a jerk must have made you feel upset, insulted, betrayed, and belittled”

4. Provide context from your end. This is for the purpose of the hurt individual having a better idea why you acted the way you did. Truth is, we often hurt by mistake through misinterpretations or insecurities. However, this is not to be brought up to escape accountability, but to own it. 

Example: “I was very angry because I thought you said I was incompetent, but I was wrong”

5. Express remorse for your actions. Expressing remorse is stating how terrible you feel because you hurt their feelings. Do not embellish your feelings to draw attention towards your experience or elicit empathy from the other person. Express remorse, but connect it directly with the impact of what you did. 

Example: “I feel terrible for making you feel so belittled because I wrongly called you a jerk”

6. Ask for forgiveness. Remember “sorry” is something for sidewalks, forgiveness is something given. It can not be demanded either, because an effective apology places the power in the hands of the hurt. At the end of your apology, you may also receive feedback from the other person. I encourage you to listen and be brave enough to hear how upset someone is because of your actions.

Example: “Can you please forgive me?”

All Together Now

“Hey there, if you’re available right now I’d like to apologize for earlier. I raised my voice at you and called you a jerk several times. Calling you a jerk must have made you feel upset, insulted, betrayed, and belittled. I was very angry because I thought you said I was incompetent, but I was wrong. I feel terrible for making you feel so little because I wrongly called you a jerk. Can you please forgive me?”

Asking for forgiveness is not easy, but neither is being hurt. Taking accountability in an effective and considerate manner is what makes you a safe person to others. If you follow these steps in crafting an apology, you will be ready to repair relationships in a healthy way. Please also remember, you are flawed and you will mess up sometimes. How you handle those mistakes is still your choice, and you can always choose a place of humility and accountability. It doesn’t make you a horrible person, it makes you human. 

Thanks for Reading!

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