By: Camden Baucke MS LLP
What happens when you believe your partner is lesser than you?
According to the Gottman psychologists, not good things.
In our next segment of the four horsemen of apocalypse, we will cover the dangers of contempt.
To remind you, the Gottmans are the world’s greatest relationship psychologists.
In their work, they identified four distinct communication methods that are strongly linked to the end of relationships.
In our first article, we covered criticism – open attacks on your partner’s personality and character.
Now, our second horsemen is contempt, which might be more passive, but just as destructive.
To see it in everyday conversation, you need to understand what it is, how it damages relationships, purposes of contempt, and steps to stop this from happening.
What is Contempt?
Contempt is described as:
“a feeling of intense dislike for someone or something regarded as unworthy of respect or approval.”
Essentially, you start to think less of someone.
Even worse, you start to treat them as if they deserve less respect or acceptance than before.
That’s because when their deservingness goes down, yours stays the same – but now there’s a difference.
This creates a sense of “superiority” as one person starts to look down at the other with disdain.
Relationships usually don’t fare too well when you begin to dislike your friend, family, or partner and let them know it by how you speak to them.
However, you might be curious how contempt actually sounds like in an average conversation.
What Does Contempt Sound Like?
Chances are you probably don’t blatantly tell someone you have contempt for them.
It has its own communication style with hidden aspects of disrespect, dislike, and sanctimony.
In an average conversation, you might hear things like:
- “It’s okay… I don’t expect you to understand.”
- “I’ve just learned to handle things on my own.”
- “That must make sense in your world.”
- “Oh honey… that’s not how this works.”
- “I guess we just have very different standards.”
Essentially, contempt is passive-aggressive criticism.
It’s lifting yourself up just to imply how low the other person is.
How Does It Damage a Relationship?
Turns out, people don’t appreciate a holier-than-thou attitude from their loved ones.
In reality, trying to measure your partner at all to find your own value is a manipulation of the purpose of relationships.
So, a partner treated with constant contempt may feel disrespected, insulted, disliked by their loved one, talked down to, and probably angry or sad.
Passive criticism is just as damaging to your partner’s sense of self as active criticism.
But it’s worth asking why someone would even need to express contempt in the first place, knowing how much damage it does.
Possible Purposes of Contempt
Contempt is the expression of devaluing your partner in comparison to yourself.
Maybe you need to push someone down to lift yourself up? The more intimate a relationship is, the more ammunition you have to make that happen.
First, I suspect low self-esteem and a deeply rooted belief in one’s own worthlessness can create the need for contempt.
Second, I believe contempt may help someone feel more in control of their relationships.
That everyone is really THEIR friend, and that they are the main character of everyone else’s story.
If you view yourself as more credible than others, you might reduce the weight of what anyone else may say about you – protecting yourself against criticism and accountability.
Lastly, I think contempt could also be modeled for someone by their parents.
They may have grown up in a home where one parent constantly belittled the other – openly with criticism, and passively with contempt.
Nonetheless, there is no background that can justify the continuation of contempt.
It is a communication style stemming from purely self-serving intentions at the cost of other’s self-esteem.
No matter if you are the giver or receiver of contempt – it needs to be brought into the open and stopped.
Managing Contempt: The Giver
If you are contemptuous with your relationships – friends, colleagues, partners – then it’s time for a serious talk.
No one’s self-esteem, much less the people who trust you, is worth destroying so you feel better about yourself.
Negative self-image is your responsibility, and yours alone.
If you’re contemptuous because you’re nervous that relationships don’t feel certain or in your control – accept it. That’s how relationships inherently are.
If it’s been modeled for you, I’m sorry that was the case but understanding your past experiences doesn’t heal wounds you’re causing today.
For the giver of contempt, I have three rules:
- You don’t need to be better than anyone else to be worthy.
- You need to take accountability and apologize for previous expressions of contempt.
- You must make amends and help build up what you broke down.
The best part about behaviors is that we don’t have to choose them if we don’t want to.
You can always go to therapy to discover some of the deeper reasons or situations that possibly caused you to be contemptuous in the first place.
Managing Contempt: The Receiver
Contempt might be passively stated, but you can point it out.
You don’t have to put up with contemptuous behavior by someone who claims to be friendly.
If you’d like, you can have a conversation about it if you want to – you don’t have to because their self-image and behavior is not your responsibility.
If you’d like to avoid them, I don’t blame you. You shouldn’t have to stick around people who tear you down, especially if they don’t allow you to set boundaries.
If you set boundaries, trust yourself to firmly hold them. You don’t have to be manipulated out of knowing you were just passively insulted.
Just as contempt might be normal for the giver, it could be normal for you as the receiver.
I’d also encourage you to seek out therapeutic services to see what damage has been done, possibly repair it, and discover how being talked down to become normal for you in the first place.
Final Thoughts
Relationships are for mutual support, love, and fulfilling connection.
They are not tools or resources for contempt and boosting a fragile ego.
As you might have noticed, I believe firm accountability is absolutely paramount here.
Criticism is at least obvious and out in the open – contempt is hidden in a shroud of passivity.
I find few things more inherently harmful than betraying loved ones by tearing down their self-image to make up for your own.
No one’s trust should be rewarded by degrading their self-worth.
Reflections 
Leave a comment