By: Camden Baucke MS LLP
In this series, I will be covering each of the four horsemen of the apocalypse – a concept developed by the Gottman’s, the top relationship psychologists in the world.
In their work, the Gottman’s recognized four signs that predict the end of a relationship.
All of these predictors are “communication styles” and can destabilize trust in another.
The first horsemen of the apocalypse we’ll cover is criticism.
Criticism is fairly commonplace, but its sting is felt most in our closest relationships.
In this article, I’ll discuss what criticism is, what it sounds like, the reasons for criticism, and four steps for putting a stop to criticism.
What is & isn’t Criticism?
The word criticism stems from the Greek word “kritikos” and Latin word “critica“, both meaning “to judge“.
The word “judge” also comes from Latin “iudicare“, which means to appraise, examine, and form an opinion on.
Judging depends on “ius” or laws that determine if someone is right or wrong – if someone is “just“.
If we put this altogether, this means that criticism is judging if someone is right or wrong.
To be fair, we do this in our heads most of the time.
However, when we communicate our judgement to the judged, it very much depends on the context and way we express it.
If you are an athlete, aspiring scholar, or an expressive performer of the arts, you will likely receive criticism – but that’s why you have coaches and teachers.
Because a mentor’s criticism is usually constructive and centered on your work, not yourself.
A mentor’s criticism can quickly become degrading and discouraging if directed at the athlete’s self-image and if the criticism is used in a shaming way.
If negative criticism can stop an athlete from wanting to try, it can stop a relationship dead in its tracks.
To be clear, accountability and criticism are two separate forms of communication.
Accountability is for a partner’s (1) specific actions and how it (2) impacted you.
Criticism solely targets a partner’s (1) character/whole person.
It’s important we all take accountability for what we do in a relationship, but it becomes emotionally unsafe when a handful of behaviors are used to attack someone’s self-image.
Overall, criticism is a communication style where a partner judges, evaluates how wrong their partner is, and consequently attacks their partner’s self-esteem.
Accountability is meant for mending bridges, but criticism is for damaging what’s on the other side – that doesn’t make you want to build bridges does it?
What Does Criticism Sound Like?
To make the difference more obvious, this is what accountability looks like:
“Hey Nora, could you text me when you’re out late again? I was really worried and you promised you would text me if you’re in a situation like that.”
Not too bad right? The specific action (not texting while out late) was paired with how it impacted them (worried).
Now, let’s look at criticism in that exact same scenario:
“You never care about what I need, you never even think about me. I know you didn’t forget, you’re just selfish! All you can think of is yourself – not others, not me, just you.”
Stressful right? The specific actions were never mentioned and this partner isn’t expressing how they were affected, they are just attacking their partner’s character using whole-person descriptors (“selfish“) and absolute terms (“never“).
To make it even clearer, there are specific areas where someone can criticize you:
(1) Effort – “you just don’t try, you’re lazy and I don’t even think you want to do this“
(2) Ability – “you can’t handle this subject, you’re just too stupid and never get it right“
(3) Personality – “You’re just too weak-willed to get the job done, you’ll never be the person for it“
(4) Worth – “You’re not enough, you don’t care, no one likes you, and no one wants you around“
Also, a common tag-on to criticism is time – absolute time periods are always more hurtful and demeaning:
“you’re never ready for this…you’re always a jerk…You’ve always been this stupid“
As you can imagine, criticism can be devastating, both for you and your relationships.
The Effects of Criticism
Criticism doesn’t improve your behavior, motivate you, or forge you into a better person – it just damages you.
On an individual level, internalized criticism can transform your self-image, including your:
(1) Effort – You can develop performance anxiety or a general nervousness about how “hard” you’re trying.
(2) Ability – You can believe you’re not as skilled as you thought, developing a form of “imposter syndrome” where you compete at the same level as others, but don’t believe you belong.
(3) Personality – You can perceive parts of yourself as broken – traits that could make you unwanted that are worth hiding away or worth compensating for. This can be related to depression and social anxiety.
(4) Worth – Your self-esteem can plummet, resulting in a whole range of psychological issues.
Where accountability addresses what can be heard and seen (specific actions), criticism attacks the invisible yet core aspects of your life (effort, ability, personality, and worth).
Each of these categories have meaning, and meaning can be malleable – that’s where criticism strikes the hardest.
Why Do We Criticize?
From my time in therapy, I estimate there are three common reasons why we criticize partners
1 – Learned Communication Style
Unfortunately, humans only have one or a few examples of parental relationships before we establish our own.
Scientists have learned that parent’s model their behavior for their children, and criticism is often a lesson that is too loud and consistent not to learn.
If someone grows up with parents who frequently criticize each other, they can unknowingly take on that same communication style in their own relationships.
While it’s understandable how someone might think it’s “normal” to criticize if that’s all they ever witnessed, it’s still their responsibility to change their behavior to foster emotional safety in their relationships.
Ironically, someone who incidentally learned to criticize must take accountability for their specific actions.
2 – Revenge
When you feel hurt, it might be tempting to give judgement in return.
Criticism can be a classic method of getting back at someone who you feel wronged by.
Even if someone did wrong you, criticism as a form of revenge usually only makes things worse.
Instead of holding someone accountable for their actions, you may jump straight to the consequences: Vengeful attacks of criticism.
If two partners use criticism as revenge for being hurt, they could be stuck in a spiral – trading attack after attack until their relationship dissolves.
If you’re hurt by your partner, it’s upon you to hold them accountable – because we need to be able to trust our partners to be able to take accountability – not punishment.
3 – Power Dynamics
This is the most nefarious of all the reasons for criticism.
If someone can break you down, they can assert control over you – there’s no better way to do this than to constantly criticize someone’s effort, ability, personality, and worth.
If you want to dominate your partner’s will – you can criticize their effort so they stop putting up a fight.
If you want to shape their life – you can criticize their abilities so they fit perfectly where you want them.
If you want to mold them into your preferred person, not themselves – you can criticize their personality and motivate them to suppress their unique identity.
If you want absolute loyalty with no chance of rejection or abandonment – you can criticize your partner’s worth to the point they don’t think they’re worth much without you.
Criticism to achieve power is manipulation.
To achieve power over your partner is to disrespect their autonomy and attack their foundational beliefs – all so you don’t have to be alone or dependent.
If there’s something to take accountability for, it’s this.
4 Steps to Overcoming Criticism
The good news is, the horseman of criticism is just a sign of apocalypse – it is as dangerous as it is present.
Because criticism is a communication behavior, you can change it with practice.
This includes both being (1) on the receiving end of criticism and (2) being the critical partner.
I’ll give you four steps, applying to both giver and receiver, for how to escape the clutches of criticism.
#1 – Point it Out
You can only change what you see as a clear target.
If you are the receiver of criticism, feel free to point it out in your partner’s behavior – you don’t have to take it, but you also don’t need to take revenge with criticism of your own.
You can hold them accountable, set boundaries, or even change your role or investment in the relationship.
For the giver of criticism, you must become self-aware of the act – let it become as clear as day.
You can even write down all your usual criticisms, just so you know what they sound like if you continue to use them.
When you realize you are being critical, or if your partner brings it to your attention, do the following:
Acknowledge the behavior, validate the impact, ask for forgiveness, and make amends.
Criticism needs to be seen and stopped first of all – once you notice it, you should start asking why it’s happening.
#2 – Question it
Take some time aside to ask yourself – what’s the actual use of criticism?
It’s not motivating and it’s also not accountability – it’s just attacking for damage, revenge, and/or control.
If you are the giver of criticism, you need to take some time to understand yourself.
Look through each of your motivations to hurt your partner: Was it what you saw growing up? Was it to protect yourself? Do you feel insecure about who you are and need to control your partner to feel safe?
Look deep inside and figure out why you are choosing criticizing words and behaviors.
For the receiver of criticism, you can charge your partner with doing this exploration – it’s not your responsibility.
You can choose to help them by asking these questions – but the pressure shouldn’t be on you for the answer.
Once you can see the criticism and the motivation behind it, it’s time to find alternatives that better fit the relationship you want.
#3 – Contemplate Alternatives
If you’ve communicated through criticism for a long-time, it’s going to be important to find better alternatives.
Also, you might not know what else to do, but that’s why you learn. “I don’t know’s” can be an excuse for a lack of imagination.
There’s a whole dictionary filled with words that you can use to make the situation better – just try a few out.
You can start by holding someone accountable rather than attacking them. Mention their (1) specific action and (2) how it affected you.
Also, if your partner’s specific action had nothing to do with you, then you don’t need to hold them accountable.
There’s no need to criticize someone for what affects them alone – if you respect them as an independent adult, then show it by not saying anything critical. You can let them manage their own life.
If you’re the receiver of criticism, you can tell your partner to express themselves in a different way.
Again, you don’t have to do it for them, they are also independent adults.
You can volunteer alternatives that could make you feel better – but that’s your choice.
#4 – Trial & Error
This fourth step is mustering the resilience needed to practice alternative phrases.
Taking accountability and changing behaviors is hard, but so is the destruction of relationships.
For givers of criticism, it’s about taking a punch on the chin – allowing yourself to be held accountable and feel bad, but trying again and again until you get it.
For receivers of criticism, it’s about holding your partner consistently accountable – either with your words or your actions. You can ask them to apologize for what they said or you can leave the situation if you aren’t treated well.
Criticism is no way to defend yourself even if you learned it, if you think you’re vulnerable without it, or if you are terrified of rejection and feel out of control without it.
Conclusion
Criticism can easily end a relationship – but its presence only persists if you choose for it to be.
You can change what you say – you can also change your tolerance for mistreatment.
If you suffer from criticism, or are the frequent giver of it, it might be good to see a mental health professional.
We’re trained to help you establish boundaries – and we’re also trained to help you change your ways.
No matter what, emotional safety is paramount to a healthy relationship.
If you can abandon criticism, you can innovate whole new ways of communicating with the people you love.
Reflections 
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