By: Camden Baucke MS LLP
In the last installment of the Debunking Love Languages series, I will cover quality time.
To be honest, the concept of quality time is decently appealing at face value.
Getting together with your partner to share stories and meals.
However, what happens when they really don’t want to attend?
What happens if you are coerced into spending quality time?
Schedule coercion represents a larger issue of control underlying one’s relationships.
If quality time is a need rather than a preference, then you might coerce others to spend it with you.
Today I will cover common issues with love languages, what quality time is, and the issue of schedule coercion.
Core Issues with Love Languages
#1 – Exclusive Love
Identifying your preference of love language might be more exclusive than anything. It can limit the type of love you give and receive. Even in the Greek language, there are several different words for various expressions of love – none of which are selected over the others as preference.
#2 – Who’s Speaking the Love Language?
Language is for communication between multiple parties. This means there are speakers and listeners. If you identify with a love language, who are you talking for? Are you expressing your desire for a type of love or are you responding to the love language of your partner? Everyone can be loved how they like, but it does require the other person to be able to “speak” that language.
#3 – Learned Love Isn’t Always Loving
We can learn how to love from people who aren’t very loving. Thus, we can convince ourselves we have a specific love language, but really it was the only form of love shown at home growing up. Restricting your love languages to what’s “normal” might be imprisoning yourself to something that’s problematic or hurtful, but it might feel like “yours“.
What is Quality Time?
Let’s talk about what quality time actually is.
First, it’s time spent with someone – literally seconds, minutes, and hours with the person you love.
Second, it’s quality – what happens during that time matters. It can include shared activities, deep conversations, and complete attention to each other.
It doesn’t include long stints of sitting around each other looking at your phones and only surface level conversations.
Quality time usually doesn’t happen around a TV – it happens around a campfire or coffee table.
That doesn’t sound too bad right? Essentially, it’s time taken to really enjoy the depth of your relationship – both exploring each other’s worlds and affirming your love with attention.
What could go wrong?
Common Issues with Quality Time
To start, quality time always demands two resources: (1) time and (2) attention.
There are plenty of things in life that can cause short supply of each – Work commitments, ADHD, Depression, Child-rearing, parental care, and more.
Someone with generalized anxiety (GAD) or obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) might have the time, but struggle to give attention that isn’t wired towards managing threats.
Even if you manage to find the time and give enough attention, quality time also requires (3) depth.
While the depths of relationships can be filled with love and joy, they can also be filled with pain, anger, and tragedy.
A deep conversation might be more difficult for someone with a traumatic past, as it could uncover distressing thoughts and feelings.
Quality time might be an exceptionally difficult love language to speak for anyone struggling with their mental health.
A core issue is when one party prefers this language and expects their partner to speak it.
What is Schedule Coercion?
The core issue with quality time as a love language is control.
Time and attention are the resources that fuel our sense of autonomy – If they are not in your control, you might be subject to schedule coercion.
Essentially, schedule coercion is your quality time fueled by pressure, guilt, and manipulation.
If quality time is forced, is it really of quality? Is it authentic?
The answer is usually no.
When someone needs to receive quality time to feel loved – they might try to coerce someone into giving them undivided attention (which may stem from a plethora of other issues).
When someone can only give quality time, but someone doesn’t want it, what do they do? You can try to coerce someone into sharing quality time, but it’s inauthentic and often harmful to relationships.
In my experience, I’ve seen quality time used for managing self-esteem, not for fostering connection.
Attention and depth are supposed to lend to closeness, not to fill an emotional emptiness like low self-worth and negative self-image.
When your emotional functioning depends on someone else’s actions like quality time, this could allude to a range of psychological issues – one being dependence.
If you are emotionally dependent on your partner’s actions, it could be the next logical step to coerce your partner into meeting your demands.
The biggest issue with quality time/schedule coercion is threatened autonomy and lack of mutual consent – something ironically at the core of love languages altogether.
The Solution of Sharing
Instead of giving or receiving quality time, try sharing time.
Shared time means that both parties are desiring the same activity with full autonomy.
Shred time requires consent given by everyone involved to ensure authenticity.
It also doesn’t come with coercion or threats of any sort – shared time is a want and a privilege, not a need.
If one partner is willing, and the other is unwilling, they often leave their “quality time” with two different experiences.
Two willing individuals can develop a shared meaning of their time together, which is known to strengthen relationships.
Consent to quality time is good for the giver because they can assess themselves for what time and attention they can spare while not hurting themselves.
Consent to quality time is also good for the receiver because it can unveil any psychological issues, dependence, or attention-seeking that need addressing outside of the relationship.
Conclusion – Consent over Preference
While language is meant for the connection of people and ideas, the concept of love languages can keep us separated from others.
We can make our list of preferences for giving, receiving, and then sift through the people who don’t match that profile.
A healthier option is openness to all forms of love – as all of them are important at different points in our relationships.
An alternative is consent- do both parties agree? Does everyone involved want to feel connected in this same way?
Do you want to exchange gifts during the holidays?
Do you want to express words of love over dinner?
Do you want to go to hold hands or share a kiss?
Consent and openness allow for shared meaning and love for each other – all while loving ourselves too.
Reflections 
Leave a comment