By: Camden Baucke MS LLP
In the fourth part of our series, I’m going to be discussing the love language Physical Touch.
While physical affection can be a wonderful thing, it’s also volatile when you confine it to a love language.
In many contexts, physical touch can lead to increased intimacy, trust, and connection.
However, when demanded or strictly given, physical touch can cross all sorts of boundaries.
In this article, we’ll revisit common issues with love languages altogether, then focus on specific issues related to the love language of physical touch.
Problems with Love Languages
If you claim only one or two love languages as your love languages, you are both limiting what types of love you can give and what types of love you can receive. It may feel like fingerprints when actually it’s self-made shackles – trapping you in something you might be convinced is predetermined.
#2 – Who’s the Language For?
Whenever you speak, who are you talking for? Are you choosing to express yourself or are you wanting your audience to receive a certain message? You can express your love language like if you were speaking English, but if your listener only knows Hungarian, there’s no conversation. If you limit yourself to a certain language, it muddles the purpose – is communication for you or others?
#3 – Learned Love From Bad Places
We often learn our love languages, and depending on the quality of the places we learn it, we can learn all the wrong lessons. Restricting your love languages to what’s “normal” might be imprisoning yourself to something that’s problematic or hurtful, but it might feel like “yours“.
What Counts as Physical Touch?
The love language of Physical Touch is quite literal – acts of physical touching in intimate and non-intimate ways.
Non-Intimate Physical Touch
There’s plenty of ways to engage in platonic physical touch with others:
- Hugs – Quick or long embraces
- Sitting side-by-side
- Hair Touching
- Back-rub/Arm-rub
- Hand holding
Obviously, there’s a lot of reading between the lines when it comes to romantic or platonic relationships.
Intimate Physical Touch
This is the more self-explanatory portion of physical touch.
- Cuddling
- Kissing
- Sex
Between intimate and non-intimate touch, one thing is certain: Consent is a must.
Problems with Physical Touch
Let’s start with Physical Touch being the love language of the giver.
Giver of Physical Touch
If your love language of physical touch is something you give, there are going to be a few barriers to giving it.
One, physical distance immediately limits any physical touch you can give.
Two, physical touch must be wanted by the other person – if they say “no” you’re out of luck.
Three, you can weaponize physical touch to come to settle a disagreement or make up for a mistake.
Before a conflict is genuinely worked out, you can try to “hug it out“, or engage in sex in more intimate scenarios.
However, this is just another attempt to do away with conflict, even if it requires more work to find a resolution.
Receiver of Physical Touch
If you receive physical touch as your love language, your fulfillment depends on your partner’s willingness to give it.
This is where consent and coercion becomes a concern.
What if your partner is tired, overstimulated, or generally uncomfortable with physical touch?
If you are tied to physical touch, you might have the perception that you are unloved – which becomes more dangerous if you try to convince your partner that they must show physical touch to be loving.
Then hugs, sex, or kisses can be forced, inauthentic, or even unethical.
Your partner’s control of their body is crucial to a healthy relationship – if there’s any coercion or guilt used to bend their decisions – just know it’s probably giving them less reason to engage at all.
Issues Overall
- Givers must be in physical distance
- Givers depend on the consent of their partner
- Givers can use physical touch to manipulate during/after conflict
- Receivers depend on their partner’s willingness to touch
- Receivers might believe they’re unloved if their partner aren’t ready/willing to touch
- Receivers might coerce their partners to engage in physical touch
All this to say, physical touch is very important – but when it’s used in a healthy and holistic way.
What is Healthy Physical Touch?
Healthy physical touch entirely depends on consent.
It also must not be transactional, which often comes from it being selected as an exclusive love language.
This means if you want to touch and your partner wants to be touched (and it is not done with any other purpose than to love, in intimate or non-intimate ways) – then physical touch is healthy.
A hug is only comforting to those who are willing to be comforted by it.
Sex is meant for connection, not as a tool to navigate conflict or be coerced.
Before you engage in physical touch, ask yourself these questions:
- Do I want to give physical touch?
- Is it an appropriate time for physical touch?
- Do they want to be touched?
- What’s the appropriate way to touch right now?
- Why am I wanting to touch right now?
Touch is Important – But Not on It’s Own
To be clear, I am all for physical touch – just not as a love language.
Love languages are unnecessarily complex and restrictive concepts. Most mental health professionals agree that true love is a combination of all love languages in varying amounts.
So, feel free to physically connect with those who consent to it, but just be willing to pivot to another form of love when physical touch is unwanted or unavailable.
Authentic love reinforces the autonomy of others while maintaining our own.
Reflections 
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