By: Camden Baucke MS LLP
Believe it or not, we’re currently in a loneliness epidemic.
What does that mean? It means that every 1 of 6 people in the entire world are experiencing loneliness, leading to symptoms that contribute to a staggering mortality rate.
According to the World Health Organization, around 100 deaths every hour are linked to loneliness – that adds up to almost 900,000 deaths a year.
But how does being lonely lead to symptoms and death? You might think it’s just the absence of others, but it’s much more than that.
Human connectivity is not a commodity – it’s an integral part of our species.
These are all big words and big statistics, but what really is loneliness? Why does it hurt so much and what can you do if you feel it?
In this article, we’ll cover those questions so you can have a better grasp of loneliness and how you can start connecting.
What is Loneliness?
Loneliness is much more than discomfort or stress – it’s absence.
Absence of people – their voice, their comfort, their laughter, and their presence altogether.
However, not every relationship is the same.
You can feel lonely from a whole variety of relationships – friends, family, colleagues, strangers, etc.
But when you don’t interact with any of these people, you lose much more than their presence – you lose their support.
Why is the presence and support of other people so important? It’s the foundation of human history.
What is the Function of Connection?
Humans didn’t forge empires and split the atom on their own.
In the early ages of humanity, we evolved to connect – band together for mutual protection and survival.
You could hunt and gather alone or you could join a tribe – drastically improving the chances that you won’t starve or be eaten by predators.
With the evolution of relationships came the importance of social dynamics to stay within those groups. Ever since, connection has been the difference between life and death.
Because we need connection, humans have social ecosystems – discovered by Dr. Bronfenbrenner.
We have different layers of relationships varying by the intensity and intimacy of the relationships.
The core of human ecosystems is the microsystem – this is our family, peers, and siblings.
As we expand outwards, we get into the mesosystem and exosystem – our work environment, neighbors, and so on.
Why do these systems matter? Because our family, peers, and siblings, as well as our neighbors and colleagues help us when we can’t help ourselves.
If a natural disaster strikes, they provide shelter. If famine hits, they provide meals. If you’re choking, they give you the Heimlich maneuver – and you reciprocate this same care back to them.
Relationships are, and always will be, SAFETY. In the modern age, we’re more prone to recognize potential threats coming from relationships rather than how we can benefit from them.
As many developmental and ecological psychologists will say: You want to keep your social ecosystems FULL.
Without them, we are vulnerable to dangers outside of our control – and your body knows this.
Why Isolation Hurts
Isolation is much more than discomfort – it’s the brain and body existing in a depressing yet anxious state.
We can feel depressed by the idea and explanation of why people aren’t around, as well as feel more vulnerable to the consequences of having no support.
Over time, depression and anxiety can damage physical health, altering characteristics of specific brain regions and wearing down arterial walls increasing the risk for aneurysms and cardiac events.
Loneliness feels terrible emotionally, it has physiological and neurological consequences, and makes you more vulnerable to uncontrollable threats.
Let me spell it out:
(1) Relationships are the single most important adaptation in human history.
(2) Social ecosystems have become a biopsychological necessity to feel secure.
(3) Absence of these relationships can trigger a response to expect more danger with less help.
(4) The mind experiences symptoms of depression and anxiety – creating physical symptoms.
(5) Physical and psychological symptoms can decrease quality of life and increase chances of mortality.
Loneliness is not just hurtful – it’s inhuman.
How to Recognize Loneliness
There are plenty of signs that you’re lonely.
First is the feeling of being lonely.
This is self-explanatory – your body and brain are alerting you to the pain and panic of being without support.
Beyond the feeling of loneliness is the literal assessment of how alone you are.
Now, I understand there’s a preference for how much or how little you interact with others – like introverts and extraverts. However, in my experience, these terms have been co-opted to justify an avoidant loneliness.
I understand you’ll have a preference, but I want you to look at your own life and evaluate your number of relationships and frequency of interactions in each social ecosystem.
Microsystem
How big is your immediate family? Who do you interact with and how often?
Do you have many friends? How vulnerable are you with them and when do you get to connect?
Exosystem
Do you know your neighbors? How often do you speak to them or get together?
Do you have coworkers? Do you get to talk to them or meet together for meals or coffee?
There’s no exact metric to use for “enough” social interactions, but just know that:
(1) Each type of relationship is important to have, even just with one person each.
(2) If you feel like you’d want more, listen to that desire.
Your relationships are important – especially the ones you have yet to make.
Ways to Multiply Your Connections
It’s risky to reach out – but it’s even more risky to stay isolated.
The good news is that it’s possible to make new relationships – it just requires trust, effort, and strategy.
#1 – Identify Your Needs
A crucial step is to identify when and where you feel lonely – you can’t hit a target you don’t see. Take time to journal, speak with a friend, or engage in a forum.
#2 – Go to Therapy
If you need some additional insight and support throughout the process, feel free to work with a mental health professional. They can help you reflect on what you need and any perceived barriers to meeting those needs.
#3 – Find a Community
If you love something, you already share a common interest with someone out there. List your interests and look for groups where you can celebrate your passion together. You can use Facebook groups, subreddit forums, and so on.
#4 – Host & Invite
You can also bring the party to you. If you want to create an event or host one at home, feel free to invite people over. Also, you don’t have to finance the whole thing – you can ask everyone to bring something. This is not something to succeed or fail in – just to bring people into your life.
#5 – Trust & Accept
If you want more relationships, you have to embrace the potential for rejection. It might happen, but it doesn’t need to be a barrier that drives you back into loneliness. Every new connection is a toss-up. We make educated guesses at who is trustworthy and who isn’t, but if we’re too eager to lock people out, we miss opportunities to let future loved-ones in.
Relationships are Worth Risking For
Every relationship is a risk – it requires vulnerability and giving someone the potential to betray us.
However, positive relationships are not just nice, they’re necessary and core to being human.
A social life is a healthy life. People won’t always bump into you, so it’s your responsibility to address your needs and try to bump into other people.
I get that it’s hard to trust in today’s world. The internet provides us with millions of reasons and evidence to distance ourselves from the destructive capabilities of others.
However, that is just the misuse of a beautiful thing – a tool that has allowed humanity to survive millennia.
Even then, people commit acts of love and benevolence every day – it’s just probably not on the news.
I encourage you to take risks, build friendships, and fill your social circles.
Reflections 
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