By: Camden Baucke MS LLP
In the second part of this series, we will discuss another commonly misused love language – words of affirmation.
Foundationally, language is important in how we feel. We feel angry when someone uses their words to insult us and we feel happier when they’re used to lift us up.
Language is especially important in childhood when forming our self-image. Words can be internalized – giving them credibility and the ability to shape what we think of ourselves.
In most cases, it’s not a bad thing to receive a compliment here or there.
However, when words are constantly needed to sustain self-image, plenty of mental problems ensue.
In this article, we’ll talk about why needing words of affirmation can be problematic, and what you can do if you notice yourself as praise dependent.
Recap on Love Languages Altogether
1 – They’re Self-Limiting
Simply put, if you become set on only one type of love language, then you make yourself less likely to accept or give other types of love. Then, plenty of love might fall between the cracks because it isn’t the “right type“.
2 – Who’s the Language For?
The funny thing about communication is that it involves multiple parties. Is a love language something you give or is it something you receive? What if your intended audience doesn’t speak your love language? Do you speak depending on someone else’s love language or yours?
3 – Learned Love from Bad Places
We don’t always learn our love languages from the most loving of places. If you learned that love only comes in one way, at the cost of every other type of love, then you might have experienced quite a loveless upbringing. It’s important that we learn multiple ways to be loved, especially beyond the only love we’ve learned to expect.
The Love Language of Affirmation
Words of affirmation are considered a love language, including verbal or written expressions of praise or admiration.
For many, words of affirmation keep us close to those who matter most.
It could be a sticky note that says “I love you” or a quick “you’re doing great” to your partner.
By all means, this isn’t a terrible thing. In fact, I’d encourage using the gift of communication to let others know they’re loved and their work is appreciated.
However, praise itself isn’t necessarily the issue. It’s when it becomes a necessity or a manipulative tool.
Issues with Words of Affirmation
There are plenty of issues that arise out of choosing words of affirmation as a love language.
First of all, what happens when you only accept praise and nothing else? Do you demand that someone give you compliments although they give plenty of everything else?
If you only give words of affirmation, what if others don’t speak the same love language? Do you continue throwing praise their way although it does nothing for them?
There are also manipulative actions disguised as words of affirmation.
Someone might treat you poorly, but use praise to heal your mood. They might be cold and unloving, that is until you earn their words of affirmation by doing what they want.
Most importantly, it’s one thing to appreciate a kind word, but it’s another thing to depend on it to feel any sense of assurance or confidence.
How to Spot Praise Dependence
Dependence is when you rely on – or are controlled by – something, which in this case, is praise.
Why would someone depend on praise?
Because someone might need an affirmation that they can’t provide themselves. This alludes to possible negative beliefs about themselves or generally low self-esteem.
If you can’t provide enough support for your self-esteem, you might depend on someone else to.
For example, if you depend on your baseball coach praising you for every swing of the bat, then you need their opinion of your performance to determine your own.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s important to consider the evaluation of others, but for adults, it’s not a necessity.
Dependency means there are consequences if you don’t get what you need. You might feel unstable, insecure, or generally anxious.
If you constantly require praise to feel calm, then you might be praise dependent. If you can only feel good about how you look, what you do, or what you enjoy based on other’s affirmations, then you might be dependent.
To be clear, it’s not a bad thing to appreciate a kind word. But, if you need words of affirmation to feel good about yourself, then this isn’t your love language – it’s a sign of deep insecurity and anxiety.
Final Thoughts
Love language is a troublesome concept alone, but words of affirmation can be particularly problematic.
Kind words are great if wanted, but dangerous if needed.
If you can’t feel a sense of confidence unless affirmed by others, that might indicate a dependence on praise.
A dependence built on low self-esteem and insecurity – issues that should be addressed in therapy.
Words of affirmation are supposed to be so much more than just Band-Aids over unhealed wounds.
Reflections 
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