By: Camden Baucke MS LLP
Sexual orientation is a deeply meaningful part of identity. While it plays such a large part in our lives, many grow up without any education or information to understand it.
Today, people across the world are silently struggling with confusion and questions about sexual orientation.
If you are having thoughts about sexual orientation, you’re not alone and it’s nothing to be ashamed of.
In this article, we will explore what sexual orientation is, common challenges that can affect mental health, early signs of questioning sexual orientation, and ways to start addressing concerns with curiosity and compassion.
What is Sexual Orientation?
To address sexual orientation, it’s important you know what it is.
Firstly, sexual orientation is not the same as gender or sex. Gender is a social and cultural construct and sex includes physical characteristics.
Sexual orientation is attraction to other people, either emotionally, physically, or romantically.
It’s not a rigid set of boxes, but often exists somewhere on a continuum.
If can include:
- Attraction to the same gender
- Attraction to multiple genders
- Attraction that is fluid or changing
- Little or no attraction
Research consistently finds that sexual orientation develops early and is influenced by biological, psychological, social, and cultural factors; it is not something people actively choose.
Is it a Pattern, a Behavior, or an Identity?
Sexual orientation can often be confusing because it encompasses multiple factors.
For many, sexual orientation is a pattern of attraction. For others, it can be defined by acts of affection. Most commonly, it is seen as a crucial part of identity.
However, not all three of these must align at the same time.
For example, someone might not yet identify, or act on their feelings, but nonetheless have a pattern of attraction.
Common Issues Exploring Sexual Orientation
1. Confusion about Attraction
Especially for teens and young adults, confusion can feel overwhelming. Additionally, someone might take a critical approach towards their own feelings. They might even have the assumption that sexual attraction is the main point, completely ignoring emotional and romantic attraction. If you need to get a better look at yourself, but your glasses are narrow-sighted, it’s going to be straining.
2. Conflict with Cultural, Family, or Religious Standards
One of the biggest barriers to accepting your own curiosity is the standards of others. It’s natural to fear judgment and rejection if people you know and love have negative perspectives of anyone who might question their sexual orientation. This may cause stress, denial, secrecy, and anxiety.
3. Internalized Judgment
Repeated exposure to harmful messages about sexuality can lead people to fear their own identity, behavior, and attraction. Shame is a silent haunting that might be hard to recognize, but it can loom over your every day.
4. Pressure for Certainty
When your assumptions about yourself are shaken up, it’s normal to feel the pressure to have an answer again. You might feel the urge to find the right words or appropriate community just as fast as you can. If you experience questions about your sexual orientation, the least you deserve is patience with yourself.
5. Fear of Losing Relationships
It’s understandable to worry that friends, partners, or family might respond poorly. Anticipating rejection can be a source of anxiety and possible self-neglect when exploring sexual orientation.
Signs of Questioning Sexual Orientation
To be clear, this is not an assessment, a diagnostic evaluation, or a checklist. These are just common signs to consider:
- You may think often about your attraction – emotionally, sexually, or romantically.
- You might feel different from what peers expect around dating or relationships.
- Your attraction might not match how you identify with others.
- You may feel uncomfortable or pressured when dating someone you think you “should” date.
- You could experience attraction that contrasts with what you expect of yourself.
- You might feel anxious, ashamed, or hesitant to talk about your orientation.
- You may feel a sense of relief imagining yourself embracing a different sexual orientation.
How to Start Exploring Sexual Orientation
1. Permit Yourself to Explore
Self-exploration isn’t disloyalty to family or culture, it’s part of the human experience.
I encourage journaling your thoughts, especially regarding the questions:
- What kinds of people have I felt emotionally connected to?
- Who have I felt drawn to romantically?
- What identities feel relieving to imagine?
- What do I fear when considering my orientation?
This isn’t a prescription list, but just a set of ideas.
2. Educate Yourself on Sexual Orientation and All Its Diversity
Reading a variety of stories about sexual orientation can help reduce confusion. They can be personal stories, educational content, forums, or anywhere where people share their experiences.
3. Speak with a Mental Health Professional
It’s important to find a therapist who understands the LGBTQ+ community and provides the right support, which includes affirming care and does not include any harmful practices like conversion therapy.
Good therapists usually provide:
- a nonjudgmental space to speak and explore yourself with complete confidentiality.
- Education about sexual orientation and therapeutic methods to address worries.
- Deep conversations to help explore identity.
- Coping skills for emotions and thoughts regarding sexual orientation, including anxiety and shame.
Therapy can seem overwhelming at first, but feel free to take it at your pace. Email a potential therapist or set up an introduction call. You can even ask them directly about their experience with sexuality concerns and support.
4. Practice Self-Compassion
If something is confusing, a great next step is to practice self-compassion. That means you don’t beat yourself up for not finding an answer or for not having the “right” answer.
Sexual orientation often becomes clearer through experience and self-empathy, not pressure.
5. Seek Community
It’s always good to connect with supportive people, especially with others who can relate to how you feel.
Supportive communities can normalize your experiences, provide models of self-acceptance and reduce feelings of loneliness and isolation.
This can include school groups, online communities, specific support networks, or simply trusted friends.
6. Honor Your Choice
It’s important that you share your journey on your timetable. You don’t have to because coming out is a personal decision. Timing, safety, readiness, and emotional support are all so important.
Final Thoughts
Sexual orientation is a complex and deeply personal conversation. Exploration isn’t a rebellion, it’s a natural part of identity development. If you give yourself the room to learn more about yourself, you can experience a life of greater connection, authenticity, and wellbeing.
If you relate to any of these questions or find yourself struggling, you are not alone. If you feel like you’re the only one feeling this way, it’s important you find kind people and supportive communities. With education, support, and self-compassion, you can begin your journey. One where you heal from shame and pressure and move towards an honest, hopeful, and whole view of yourself.
Reflections 
Leave a comment