By: Camden Baucke MS LLP
Nothing catches my ear like a debate about empathy.
The internet is full of podcasters and influencers who claim that empathy can be “toxic“.
I know I’m adding to the noise, but I want to contribute some deeply-needed nuance to this conversation.
To start, I want you to know that empathy is usually healthy to practice.
However, like all good things, context counts for a lot.
In some cases, empathy can heal wounds and build relationships. In other cases, it can be self-defeating and make you vulnerable to manipulation.
Either way, understanding empathy can be helpful – starting with what empathy is and isn’t.
What is Empathy?
Empathy comes in various shapes and sizes. However, it’s best defined as using your imagination to understand what someone thinks or feels.
Some people say “you’ve never been through it, so you would never understand.“
Luckily enough, you can understand experiences you’ve never had just by listening.
Once you listen to someone’s story, you can use your imagination to put yourself in their shoes. That way, you learn to understand someone’s internal experiences (thoughts and feelings) without directly experiencing them yourself.
While it sounds like a process, we often do this without thinking about it.
Even accidental empathy gives us valuable insight into the human condition – helping us communicate and connect on a deeper level.
More often than not, empathy is a choice. However, it’s not the only one you can make.
Sympathy
People may often choose to be sympathetic rather than empathetic.
Sympathy can sometimes be used interchangeably with empathy, but they do have their differences.
Essentially, sympathy is empathy from a distance.
Because sympathy can be more distant, it often doesn’t have the same effect as empathy. In fact, some people have described it as more patronizing with statements like “at least you didn’t (insert something worse)“.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe sympathy is bad. However, if sympathy is to “give you perspective” then it’s not really sympathy – it’s more about getting you to change your mind rather than understanding it.
True sympathy might be all that someone can give at the moment – possibly too overwhelmed with their own emotions.
Even further from empathy is the opposite extreme.
Apathy
You choose apathy when you completely distance yourself from someone’s feelings or thoughts.
Apathy is purposefully not using your imagination to understand how someone feels or thinks.
I don’t want you to immediately assume apathy is always morally “bad“.
Sure, in most scenarios, empathy is much more effective than apathy.
Let me assure you it can be functional to not overdo empathy.
While empathy, and even sympathy, can improve relationships and can protect you from manipulation.
When It Hurts to Be Empathetic
Below are a few situations in which too much empathy can hurt you.
#1 When Someone Tries to Escape Accountability
I find this to be the most common scenario where empathy can hurt.
This is when someone can use your empathy to hurt you – let me explain.
Whenever someone commits a transgression, it comes with context and consequence.
Essentially, you have an understanding of their background which led to the transgression, but you also hold them accountable for the pain they inflicted.
Oftentimes, someone will commit a transgression and try to avoid taking accountability for their actions. To do so, they may coerce you into an imbalanced approach – flood you with empathy and understanding so that they do not have to be held responsible.
Empathy, the act of using your imagination to understand others, can be used against you, especially if this person has already hurt you.
The best response to this scenario is typically not apathy or sympathy – it is the right level of empathy, enough to understand, but not too much to let someone escape accountability.
#2 When Someone Plays the Victim
It’s great to have empathy when someone truly is a victim.
However, what if the person who’s claiming victimhood is actually the offender?
Playing the victim is when someone uses manipulative language to earn gentle treatment when they themselves are not actual victims.
For example, you might know someone who treats others with disrespect, passive-aggression, or contempt. At the same time, they will groan that no one wants to spend time with them and they feel “left out“. This person might cry victim when their actions are the cause of their own pain.
People who play victim often call upon others to have empathy for them. If you give it to them, it reinforces the lies they tell themselves.
In this case, the solution would actually lean towards apathy. If your empathy would validate and reinforce the lies someone tells themselves, then it’s best not to indulge. Apathy would be a form of a boundary at this point, which may elicit a reaction from someone who depends on your empathy to support their victimhood.
#3 When Someone Doesn’t Comply with a Boundary
For those who don’t know, boundaries are not the same as cutting people out of your life.
You only need boundaries for people you want in your life. However, some people make it more difficult than others.
If someone has sapped empathy from you, like a vampire draws blood, then lessening or cutting off your empathy might cause a reaction.
For example, if you call a family member less frequently because they tend to belittle you, they might have a negative response. They might try to manipulate you with shame or guilt into talking to them more often.
Worst of all, they might infer that you are a “bad person” for not doing what they want you to do.
Instead, they could set you up for future manipulation with compliments.
Someone might call you an empathetic and kind person. However, if you don’t fill their need for empathy, or maybe hold them accountable, they might tell you that you’re not “being yourself“.
Empathy is an action, not an identity.
If someone is willing to manipulate your self-image so they can sap empathy from you, then your boundaries probably need to be bigger.
The Solution is Balanced
Again, I assure you empathy is a wonderful thing. However, too much in the wrong context can turn empathy into people-pleasing and appeasement.
If someone is trying to hurt you with your own empathy, then you don’t have to give it.
If someone wants understanding as well as accountability, that is a great time to practice empathy.
Don’t let such a wonderful thing about yourself be used to hurt you.
Reflections 
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