By: Camden Baucke MS LLP
Why do we struggle to fail when it’s an integral part of living?
Everything you ever learned came with failure, even the basics. You’ve misspoken before, tripped before, and even pooped in your diaper.
If failure is natural, when does it become so intimidating? When does the learning process transform into an opportunity for catastrophe?
Failure is a fickle thing. It’s a broad concept, but it pretends to be real and tangible in every scenario. Fear of it damages quality of life, and slowly infects all enjoyable tasks.
In this article, we will cover what failure is, why it’s intimidating, and what are some steps to overcome that fear.
What is Failure?
First off, failure is both a word and an idea. It is defined as a “lack of success” or “omission of required action”.
I bet these might not fit your definition, and that’s why failure is a flexible idea. It’s flexible because it can be molded into a million different definitions.
Imagine one person’s idea of failure is not purchasing a home. However, another person’s idea of success is renting an apartment. Who’s failing? Neither, but how can that be true if failure is based on structured rules.
Remember tests in school? Well, fear of failure might have told you that a structured test was an assessment handed down from the heavens, dictating your intelligence and future. In reality, it was written by Doug who whipped it together last night while watching Sunday night football. Even with the structure of school, does Doug’s test accurately reflect the inner value of a child? Nope.
The thing about failure is it’s both a word and an idea, as long as you sign up for where it applies. You can’t fail as a parent if you don’t decide to have children. You can’t fail to have children if you’re not trying to conceive. You can’t fail a job you don’t work and you can’t fail a doctrine you don’t subscribe to.
Even if you do consent to a responsibility and fail, what’s the real issue? In reality, if you earn a score of 50% on a test, you didn’t pass and will need to retake the test. That requires additional effort and stress, but you eventually retake it or compensate with extra credit. In reality, that’s all that happened – cut and dry. However, if you fear failure, you might fear what this reality means rather than what it is.
Why Do We Fear Failure?
If we fear failure, we don’t actually fear the term itself.
I failed as a basketball player by not making the cut in 8th grade tryouts, but that doesn’t mean anything to me.
Failure is the lid on a box. It is the label on something much worse. Failure is a gateway word.
If you fail to show up to work, the word or idea of “failure” doesn’t hurt you. The consequences hurt you when you get fired. If you fail to water a plant, the consequence is the wilting and death of those plants.
Failure means absolutely nothing without consequences. It might sound odd, but if you fear failure, just remember you don’t fear the word, but what it leads to.
The consequences of failure often lie in (1) penalty or (2) meaning.
Penalties are the consequences for breaking a rule. In hockey, if you receive a penalty you get put in the penalty box while your team plays at a disadvantage. In real life, if you are caught speeding, you have to pay a ticket. However, a fear of failure usually implies more threatening penalties. If you fail to show up on time, will people stop being your friends? Will you fail your way into loneliness? If you fail one task at your job, will you be fired, not find another job, and fall into poverty and misery? These are the penalties that our brain fears under the label of “failure”.
Meaning is just as devastating. If you fail a test, will your friends see that it means you’re stupid? Will they think you’re less capable and worth having around? If they believe this meaning, you might just end up alone. If failure means you’re incompetent, it means no one will hire you, and you might never amount to anything. Penalty and meaning are the two underlying threats that failure leads to.
It makes sense if you fear failure if these are the consequences you believe it leads to.
Does Fearing Failure Help?
For a couple minutes once a month at most.
Fearing failure is often seen as a “rebellious” way to earn success. However, fearing consequences evokes symptoms of anxiety, which make it much more difficult to function in non-emergency scenarios.
If you fear being eaten by a bear, that’s a good thing. It means your body will give you the hormones and strength you need to escape. However, this is a once-in-a-while solution to a very apparent problem.
Fearing failure often defeats long-term endeavors. If you use your emergency alarm all day long, you can expect exhaustion. A tiredness that then affects your performance, makes you more scared, and leads to even worse outcomes.
So no, anxiety does not fend off failure, but often only makes it more inevitable in the long run.
Why Fear of Failure is Problematic
Fear of failure is infectious because it can be applied to any single thing you do, even down to the thoughts you have.
You can “fail” to think the “right” way or “fail” to feel the right emotions. You can police your internal state, always being ready to penalize yourself for doing something “wrong”. This word/idea can sap away even the most basic of purposes.
Imagine you struggle to go to bed. You might fear not sleeping, but why? Because you might fail to sleep, which could make you tired and vulnerable to failing more the next day, which spins the cycle of failure until you’re miserable and alone. At least that’s what your thoughts are telling you, because what’s the real reason for sleep? To rest! To get comfortable and regenerate, resulting in feeling well rested and healthy.
If you’re a dare-devil, tell your partner that you only spend time with them to do the “right thing”. This might upset them because they probably want you to be with them because you enjoy and love who they are. If your purpose in a relationship is to “not fail” then you need to re-evaluate your priorities. Because if loving relationships are a performance, and not an expression of love itself, then a fear of YOUR failure has become too important.
A fear of failure ultimately shifts life in an unhealthy direction. It strips the positive meaning and reward from success and pleasurable activities, meanwhile it unfolds a domino effect of catastrophes after failure.
How To Take Away the Power of Failure
It’s time to start living life for what things are, not what they mean.
Failure needs to be reduced down to a word and idea, one that can be manipulated and only serve as a gateway to feared outcomes.
Those feared outcomes need to be explored. More often than not, there’s a history behind fear of failure. I encourage you to explore the option of therapy, so you can get down to the root of your anxieties.
If you want to take this journey on your own, I at least encourage a few first steps.
1. Discover what failure means to you
Failure depends on your perspective. Take some time to go through all the areas of your life where you fear failure or doing the “wrong” thing. Once you find the word, try and expand what you think it means.
2. Explore the backgrounds behind each idea/rule of failure
Now, explore what failure might have meant. This anxiety often lies in a past where the consequences were catastrophic, so examine your history for any experiences with penalties or dangerous meaning that could have come from failure.
3. Redefine what failure means to you
Once recognize the time in your life when failure meant danger, now you can trust your present and its safety. Based on your values and who you are, redefine what failure means. Use all the wisdom you can to think of what the healthiest definition is for you.
4. Identify the true purpose behind every action
If failure and its consequences are not tied to every action, what’s your purpose? If your job is not limited to succeeding or failing, could you find passion and fulfillment? If your relationship is not about doing everything the “right” way, could it be about intimacy and affection? If exercise were for health, if music were for expression, and if sleeping were for rest, how would life be different?
Final Thoughts
Even as I write to this, I felt the nudge of fear as I didn’t want to “fail” writing a decent article.
However, I decided to focus on the two reasons I do this: (1) I love to write & (2) You deserve to know this information.
Fear of failure can be an all-encompassing game. It can consume everything that’s meant to make you feel good.
If you no longer fear the word, nor expect the consequences it might have brought, then failure can recede back into the regular process of learning. It can be a stepping stone towards fulfillment as you try to master what’s meaningful to you.
Reflections 
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