Kindness vs. Rightness – Which Matters More?

By: Camden Baucke MS LLP

If a society values industriousness, they inherently value rightness.

At least in the United States, this has evolved into an obsession about “being” right.

Right about what you think, do, and believe. But why does this matter? Why does rightness often come at the expense of kindness?

The widespread lie is that you have one of two choices: Be right or be kind. In reality, you can choose both, but they are both necessary at some point.

In this article, I’ll cover what rightness is, what kindness is, and the delicate interplay between the two. If you’ve already made up your mind, don’t read further unless you’re open to being wrong.

Why Rightness Matters

The definition of rightness, in this case, means to be “true” and “correct”.

There is a basic level of rightness that sustains life. You don’t want to be wrong about avoiding poisonous food as much as you want to be right when remembering which species of snake isn’t venomous.

You also need to be right when choosing your friends and partners, people who won’t betray you. It’s even good to be right when picking what career you want to work or where you want to live.

Work is where I see rightness referenced the most. You probably want to ensure you’re doing things right in your job or else you could be fired.

Being right is incredibly important for survival, from the job that pays the bills to the animals you should/shouldn’t pet. Reliability is invaluable, especially if children, family, or friends depend on you. However, there is a point where a desire for rightness goes beyond the point of useful outcomes.

When Rightness Goes Rigid

Rightness is useful, but it very much depends on the context of the scenario.

Does rightness matter when you work a job? Absolutely.

Does rightness matter when you build a deck, that if unsafely built, could hurt others? You bet.

Does rightness matter with menial mistakes that have minimal effect on others? I say no.

Rightness is crucial for managing calamity, not everyday mistakes. When the need to be right escalates beyond calls for survival, then it becomes rigid.

When small things, like how you cook, what you wear, and how you write, become as tense as survival, then you might be responding to an overly-rigid need for rightness. This is hard enough for yourself, but often devastating if you direct it towards others.

A rigid need for rightness easily eliminates kindness. If you need someone else’s behavior to perfectly fit your expectations in inconsequential tasks, then you might have an unhealthy desperation for rightness. Chances are, the person on the opposite end will feel terrible due to how you treat them. Additionally, you would then maybe qualify for a diagnosis of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) or obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (OCPD).

Rightness matters to a point. Beyond that point is rigidity and aggression towards yourself or anyone else who isn’t perfect.

Why Kindness Matters

The definition of kindness means to be “friendly, considerate, or generous”.

Oftentimes, it is also a sign of reliability. People who are apathetic or inconsiderate are often not dependable when helping with basic needs or emotions.

Turns out, connection is a vital part of the human experience. For children, it’s what lets them know they will not be abandoned by their caregivers. For communities, it’s what binds everyone together during uncontrollable catastrophes like tornadoes or floods.

Kindness goes along with altruism, which experts have theorized to be a crucial component of survival through connection.

However, like rightness, there’s also kindness beyond a reasonable limit, which turns into appeasement.

When Kindness Turns Into Appeasement

Kindness is a humble yet powerful act. But like rightness, it also depends on context.

Kindness can also be a method of allowing others to escape accountability.

While kindness is crucial for social harmony, so is personal responsibility for one’s actions.

Kindness is valuable as long as it is used for lifting others up and not preventing people from being accountable.

This is when people-pleasing becomes an issue. When you risk your well-being for the appeasement of someone who has committed wrongdoing.

Kindness can be used in the opposite way, for someone to escape responsibility. This is called flattery, and appeasing the individuals who would hold you accountable. In these scenarios, kindness is paired with incompetence or dishonesty.

Kindness coexists quite well with competency and honesty, when used to connect and protect others. However, when it’s used to escape accountability, or fearfully refrain from holding others accountable, kindness becomes appeasement.

But Which Matters More?

Both rightness and kindness promote survival and protect others. On the other hand, both can hurt others directly or indirectly if done too rigidly or too fearfully.

Someone who is kind, but not right, is someone who makes honest mistakes.

However, someone who is right, but not kind, likely succeeds but does so alone.

Therefore, your options are (1) to face the consequences of imperfection or (2) endure miserable success.

I’d say that if you extend beyond kindness into appeasement, then more rightness would be necessary in your life.

Likewise, if you extend beyond rightness into rigidity, then more kindness would be necessary in your life.

Both are important, but it’s even more imperative that they are balanced and proportional to the situation that demands them.

Which matters more? I’d say that comes down to you. Which do you emphasize too much, and which do you practice too little?

If you’re on the rigid end, you might be facing OCD. Obsessions and compulsions often come from early experiences which are best addressed in therapy. Even then, introducing more kindness, patience, and flexibility into your life would be helpful as well.

If you’re on the appeasing or flattering end, you might be people-pleasing or taking advantage of others. Therapy is suitable for this as well. No matter if you’re being kind to avoid accountability, or being too pleasant to hold someone responsible, rightness will be more necessary. Rightness to own up to your actions and apologize or rightness to hold someone accountable and set boundaries.

Final Thoughts

Kindness and Responsibility are both equally important and their extremes can be equally unhealthy.

If you have an extreme form of either in your life, you must find some balance by going halfway to the opposite end.

Survival is important and so is connection. If you can master rightness and kindness, you might just secure both for a lifetime.

Thank You For Reading!