Boundaries are a common topic nowadays—freeing for some, intimidating for others. They are an important tool in relationships, especially when there’s a history of conflict. However, preconceptions about what boundaries are—especially in the eyes of those who resist them—can be a major barrier. In this article, we’ll explore what boundaries really are, how they function during conflict, and debunk some of the myths and stigmas surrounding them.
What Are Boundaries?
Boundaries are interpersonal rules that you apply to relationships. This means that every time you interact with someone, there’s a shared understanding about what is and isn’t okay. For example, a boundary might be that harsh criticism is not acceptable while someone is going about their day.
Of course, this gets tricky, because people interpret things differently. What feels like “helpful advice” to one person might feel like unwelcome criticism to another. And unfortunately, some people misuse the concept of boundaries to avoid accountability altogether—claiming they are “setting a boundary” when they’re really just avoiding responsibility.
That’s not what boundaries are. Boundaries, when used appropriately, are a protective measure to limit harm from others. They are a healthy, adult way of saying, “This is how I need to be treated if we’re going to stay in relationship.”
Is Conflict a Sign of a Bad Relationship?
Conflict itself isn’t a problem—it’s how we handle it that matters. There is such a thing as healthy conflict and unhealthy conflict. Healthy conflict involves differences in opinions or needs that are resolved through respect, listening, and compromise. Unhealthy conflict is marked by disrespect, name-calling, controlling behaviors, or emotional harm.
Boundaries help turn unhealthy conflict into healthy conflict. A boundary might be something like, “No yelling during arguments,” or “We need to take breaks when conversations get too heated.” These aren’t too much to ask—they’re essential for respectful communication.
When people resist boundaries that make conflict healthier, that’s a red flag. It often means that someone doesn’t want to adjust their behavior, and that leaves the other person with few options besides reducing contact or walking away altogether. Setting boundaries isn’t about cutting people off—it’s about creating the conditions necessary for connection to continue safely.
Boundaries Are Not Selfish
Let’s be clear: boundaries are not selfish. Selfishness implies a disregard for others’ well-being, often to their detriment. Boundaries, in contrast, protect your emotional, mental, and sometimes even physical well-being. They are not about hurting others—they’re about not allowing others to hurt you.
Yes, boundaries focus on your needs, but they also allow you to show up as your best self in relationships. Think of it like this: good exercise challenges your muscles, but it doesn’t tear them apart. In the same way, relationships can challenge you and help you grow, but they shouldn’t break you down.
And if someone tells you that setting a boundary is selfish? That often says more about their desire to control the situation than it does about your character. Boundaries can reveal selfish behavior in others, especially if they refuse to respect the limits you’ve set to maintain a healthy dynamic.
Boundaries Are Not Too Individualistic
One of the most common critiques of boundaries is that they’re “too individualistic”—too focused on the self, and too willing to sever connections. But this critique misses the point. Boundaries aren’t meant to isolate you—they’re meant to protect the connections that matter.
You don’t set boundaries with people you’ve already written off. You set boundaries with people you want to stay connected to. Isolation is not a boundary; it’s a response to the absence of boundaries. When someone refuses to respect your limits, isolation can start to feel like the only safe option.
In collective cultures, where family and community are prioritized, boundaries can still play a vital role. You can honor your family and culture while still protecting your well-being. In fact, boundaries are what allow us to stay connected through challenges. Without them, relationships become unsustainable or unsafe.
You are a part of your family and community, and you deserve to be treated with the same care and respect that you give others. Boundaries are not about shutting people out—they’re about keeping the door open in a way that doesn’t harm you.
Conclusion
Conflict is inevitable in relationships. It’s part of being human. But not all conflict is the same. Healthy conflict helps us grow; unhealthy conflict harms us. Boundaries are tools that allow us to manage conflict with respect, empathy, and self-awareness.
Boundaries are not selfish. They’re not about avoiding others or running from every challenge. They are not too individualistic, either. Rather, they help us stay connected in relationships that matter—relationships that may need structure and clarity to remain safe and supportive.
You don’t set boundaries with people you never plan to see again. You set them with people you love, work with, live with, and want to stay close to. And if someone consistently refuses to respect your boundaries, then your choice to step back is not about isolation—it’s about self-preservation.
Often, people isolate not because they want to, but because they feel they can’t set boundaries without backlash. Boundaries are anti-controlling measures. And if someone won’t let go of control, then separation may be the healthiest choice available.
Boundaries protect your right to be treated with dignity. They allow you to grow, connect, and thrive—even in the midst of conflict. And that’s not selfish.
Reflections 
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