Why It’s Time to Forgive Yourself

By: Camden Baucke MS LLP

Something happened and somebody got hurt. It was messy, filled with pain, and it seems near-impossible to move on. A mistake was made, and there were consequences. While this relationship with this other person needs repair, that is only half the battle. Asking for forgiveness is paramount to regaining trust from others, but what about yourself? How can you move forward knowing you did what you did? Self-forgiveness is the next therapeutic step, but it can feel like “going too easy on yourself”. In this article, I will explore the nature, rationale, and methods for forgiving yourself. It is a necessary task, and it begins with the acceptance of one universal fact:

Mistakes Are Natural

You may have heard the quote “well if you’re human you’re going to make mistakes.” This statement is true because there is no avoiding them. Mistakes will have an impact, regardless if they are intentional or unintentional. Life can be an intricate and complex interaction of perspectives, behaviors, cultural norms, predispositions, etc. While humans have the capacity for acting at their best, we have the same capacity for imperfect actions. Underneath each conflict is a litany of circumstantial and environmental factors so beyond the reach of our control. Developing a foundation of factors involved in your mistakes is not an excuse for them, but half of the necessary approach to mending mistakes. Acceptance, not approval, of the circumstantial factors involved in your mistake is called UNDERSTANDING. External influences matter, but so do factors that are within your control. You take ACCOUNTABILITY for your choices by identifying exactly what you did and what you could have done better. Acceptance of your actions leaves nothing to speculation. You know exactly what happened, why it happened, and what you can do about it.

Acceptance Leads To Action

Acceptance and understanding do not omit responsibility, but they give you enough information to make an action plan to address your mistake and prevent yourself from repeating it. Even then, it may be worth considering that there are many situations where mistakes can hurt YOU more than they hurt OTHERS. Once you understand who is hurt and you acknowledge the entirety of your mistake, then you can do something about it. You may apologize to someone or try to gain back their trust. However, even if they do forgive you, there is still a whole second half of the conversation left to be had: how do you treat yourself? Are you deserving of that same forgiveness from yourself?

Heal Your Relationship With You

If your mistake hurts others, it is best to directly address their pain and apologize, putting the power of forgiveness in their hands. Likewise, the power for self-forgiveness is in YOUR hands. A friend can be hurt by a mistake for a week or a month, but an unforgiven self can hurt for years. It’s best to immediately address your self-forgiveness to remedy any mistake, big or small. To be clear, self-forgiveness is not losing accountability or becoming complacent. It isn’t a get out of jail free card from harmful decisions. Self-forgiveness is allowing yourself to continue free of condemning emotions and thoughts, and permits you to pursue better behaviors. It does not erase the past, but it allows you to keep moving forward.

Letting Go is Moving Forward

A resentful attitude towards yourself only leads to worse outcomes. It creates an anxious spiral where emotions stab deeper and your thoughts swell with self-criticism. Self-forgiveness wipes the slate clean and re-establishes faith in yourself to do the right thing moving forward. Everyone else can be okay with you, but being okay with yourself is what allows you to make the decisions you want. It allows your self-esteem to remain untarnished, empowers you to manage your emotions, and gives you another chance to behave according to your values.

After a mistake, mending your relationships with others is necessary but so is sustaining your perspective of yourself as someone who is ever growing and learning. Not all mistakes are permanent, and most of them are there to teach us something we need to know. Self-forgiveness will feel like getting away from doing something wrong. In a way, it is, but what you’re letting go of is an overly-punitive response, not one that is commensurate with what happened. Self-forgiveness is moving to a place where you can try again. You lost the game but you can get back to work and practice for the next one. With self-forgiveness, you can continue to grow, knowing that mistakes will happen but you will never be a mistake. Knowing that you might fail, but you yourself will not be a failure.

How to Forgive Yourself

1. Repair the relationship with others:
   • Develop an understanding and accountability for yourself while asking for forgiveness from the person who was hurt. It’s not easy, but allowing yourself to be accountable for mistakes makes you more trustworthy than someone who never makes them.
2. Repair the relationship with YOURSELF:
   • Accept everything that occurred, it’s history now
   • Accept all factors involved including context, your emotions, other’s actions, etc.
   • Take action on what you can mend, accept what you can not
   • Take all the information on the situation to inform future decisions
   • Give yourself the power to forgive yourself
   • Let your mistakes go, but carry their lessons with you
   • Rebuild trust in your own decision-making
   • Breathe deeply knowing your behaviors were the issue, not your sheer existence

It’s Worth the Effort

While mistakes are painful, they often teach more than they take. They provide opportunities for you to build trust, build skills, and create resilience. You can not live a life without mistakes, thus it is always better to learn how to manage them when they occur than to avoid them altogether. Failure is not a personality profile, but an event that can be managed and moved on from. You are not a “failure” after a mistake. You are a person who engages in behaviors that can be changed to match what you think is important in life.

Moving on will feel like a weight is lifted off your shoulders, that you can breathe easier, and that echo of self-criticism is starting to diminish. You may initially feel guilty after forgiving yourself. However, I challenge that you are deserving of the same self-forgiveness that you believe others deserve. When you recognize that you are worthy of self-forgiveness, that’s when life changes. Only then can you be free from the shackles of self-resentment that keep you from living the life you want.

Breathe. Ask for Forgiveness. Forgive Yourself. Learn. Move Forward

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